Tuesday, November 23, 2010
read this, seriously
was just thinking about why i'm so introverted
and i guess you guys might too
well i really dont know
being the older child
i guess i run into some... difficulties at times
tragedies? not so...
just complications
and i just explode
like extreme anger and shit
i think after every of these fits right
i just get more and more introverted
like more thinking
more thinking
and more thinking
and i just get it to become my habit
and slowly my personality
just so you know how serious these complications got
i locked myself in my room once
cause of something lah i forgot
i just started kicking my soccer ball damn hard
against the wall, ramming them la
then i just broke down
and started knocking my head against my room door
like slamming you know
and i just refused to let my parents come in
just kept banging my head
it didnt hurt, surprisingly
i just knocked the sense out of myself
argh horrible memories
yupp i dont know really
i'm not exactly the kid
that's happy all day round
in fact i'm mostly thinking and sad
i do get happy really
when things prove my emo thoughts wrong
i get real happy
but not really happens does it?
sigh
someone just reminded me like yesterday
around 1 am?
ended my hotel shift (overtime)
got this random sms
REALLY unexpected
i didnt expect ANYONE to sms me at that time
really
NO ONE
and its finally not me who initiated a convo
really really really rare
he reminded me of what friends really are
i'm always there for everyone
literally
but is anyone there out for me when i need them?
no
none at all
there for everyone
no one there for me
my primary sch life?
most of you guys
your primary school life is soo fun right
sooo happy
sooo whatever
well mine was...
i felt happy
yes
basketball
and catching what more can i ask for?
true friends
maybe i was weird back then
maybe i STILL AM WEIRD
ARGH ):
i dont know
i just felt sooo isolated
from the rest
so what if i'm soo bloody good at running?
6 minutes for 1.6km whatever
no one CARES
i'm just alone
secondary school life?
hahaha pretty drifty
sec 1 and 2
same
i'm just isolated
again
a loner
sure they might pretend to be nice to me
but they just cant wait for the chance for me to go away
because i'm a 'nice guy'
you see
there's always this good-natured chap
hangs around with you most of the time
yet he just isnt funny or cool
and you get this awkward feeling when you talk to him
that's me
an example you say?
hmm we were off to a friends house
1,2...5 of us?
then my friends (suddenly) announced that only 4 of us could go
its like at that moment i knew who had to go
no point waiting for them to choose
well... he had this excuse
that his sister dont allow blah blah blah
then his parents came down to fetch them
4 of them went in
and they were like "eh you sure a not, sorry ah"
then his parent was like
"hey you're not coming?"
"no"
"maaa, jie say at most 4 what"
"where got!! dont mind her lah, get in (:"
well i went
but
I FELT BLOODY EXTRA over there
i wasnt supposed to be there
and yet i'm there
argh horrible memories
sec 3-4 was okay
yet drifty
my class is like cliqued
obviously la but we still get along fine
but i'm like the
lone drifter
i get along like FINE with everyone
but not extra FINE with some
just fine
i discussed this with some of them really
and they were like eh really sia, shit
i'm never that into one clique
JC life is pretty much going to be shit for me
when they all get cliques and stuff
i'm just gonna be the extra one
as always
the uncool extra
its freaking obvious
AR discussion?
uhm just some discussion la
online it was like wth
i say something
ask something it never gets across
never
i've read the history quite a few times
i felt pretty shitty that day
no one listens
you ask me to give ideas?
oh i gave alright
in the end they didnt even consider it
maybe its not good enough fine
but to the point where no discussion was required?
sorry OKAY i just suck
hmmm... real life discussions?
i'm rarely required
always there but rarely required
as usual the extra
who shouldnt even be there
i shan't go into the details
point learnt
i should just SHUT MY MOUTH
no point making yourself look awkward
and make everything else awkward
JUST SHUT UP
as again horrible memories
maybe there are some pleasant memories
but still some horrible ones
who needs me?
WHO NEEDS ME AT ALL?
no one
i just went through pretty much everything my stupid brain can remember
no one ever needs me
i'm just THERE
you need me just for that moment?
use me and throw me aside
see?
i'm always the bloody extra
just there but never needed
do i even have any friends at all?
those that bother talking to me?
not just because i dance good or shit
because i'm me?
i guess no one
i'm just too sucky a person to hang out with
or even talk to
whose ideas just suck too much
who makes everything awkward
who's an introvert
might as well dont talk to him right?
just dao his texts la
convos heck la
a hi should be enough right? "hi"
just leave him la
he should be okay
problem is i'm not
i'm never okay
but no one cares
i dont even think anyone's reading this
i just thought through a lot of stuffs
while waitering
and i guess an inside look would be better
but no one's going to come?
haha fine by me
i didnt expect anyone anyway
let me run away
please
let me go
let me be the perfect i want to be
please
8:21 PM
