Wednesday, March 30, 2011
whewwwww haha back from another street practice
all the choreographies are suddenly piling in
nuuuuuu D:
so much pressure to perfect all of them
especially when your batchmates are all trying as hard
you know you cant disappoint them
and i dont want to let them get ahead either HAHA XD
sigh i want to just like chill
and practise other stuff free and easy haha
but oh well at least i'm still dancing
quite cool though the choreographies and rather hard too :P
BUT
omg all this dancing's taking a toll on my work
starting to sleep during lessons
not good ):
and my homework is getting totally neglected
i just come home and sleep ):
sigh
i'll try to do some work now
and go catch up on sleep haha (:
-yawn-
tireeddddd
10:10 PM
Saturday, March 26, 2011
feeling super down today
my self esteem already not that high
people just have to rub it in my face
maybe not intentionally
i'm just overthinking
but that's why i'm here in the first place
i dont look good
i dont do any shit good
what was i thinking
that i actually stood a chance?
forget it man you really cant
you wont
you dont
you never will
i'm just deceiving myself again and again
funny what your ego does to you sometimes
brings you out of reality
and when you think back to reality
you fall down so hard
like now
its painful to a certain extent really
either i'm already numb
or i just dont care as much
was talking to my friend today
talk talk talk
then randomly bring up gfs
cos last year got classmate
jokingly (obviously) say i would get a gf
apparently that person heard it
and then told me
"omg why would anyone like you"
i mean wts, dont know whether joke a not
but thinking of it
i couldnt disagree
argh whatever such an awkward topic
and then before that
also got some people say i'm not their type
i mean i had no intent of liking people
then they bring it up
am i really that shitty to be around with
to the extent that you have to tell me not to like you
seriously?
what am i doing wrong?
what are your types, people?
what kind of people do you like?
definitely not me
i get it
i know where my chances stand
i know i'm not your prince charming
i know that i'm just some lame loser
you just didnt have to bring it up
and remind me that i'm some loser shit
fine i'm pushing too much blame to you all
not your fault anyway
i'm overthinking as usual
but how is any of this shit not true
personality personality
everyone says personality is everything that matters
then what's wrong with mine
which part of me do you guys not like?
or is it just the x factor that i lack
whatever
this shit is bloody depressing
i've been through a long week
then weekend also need to emo over this crap
i'll just try and sleep over it
not healthy for self esteem
or whatever's left of it
sigh i dont even feel sad
just useless
pure plain averagely useless
10:49 PM
Friday, March 25, 2011
11:11 wish?
haha i'm so lost what to wish for nowadays
i just wish for the normal stuff (studies and what-nots)
and for the people in japan
sigh
everything's so messed up
feeling one of my down moments again
argh suddenly i dont know what to do anymore
everyone just suddenly seems so ... towards me
i cant please everyone can i
i like that to some people they're ok
i like that to other people they dont like
what am i supposed to do
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
WHA- right
its so much of pleasing everybody nowadays
there's just so much social pressure that i cant stand
i really feel damn loser standing there
when my friends are socialising
you guys really have no idea
sigh damn whatever
i cant put it in words
just give me some time
11:11 PM
Thursday, March 24, 2011
HARRLOOOO
life's pretty good now... i think? (:
hahaha staying back after school to dance is really really fun
i just love dancing so much omg
so today i learned how to do crickets yay :D
and i think i got down one round of windmill OMG ;D
looking forward to the day when i can break as well as michael muahaha
and believe me i will reach there
yknow during civics lesson today
then our teacher gave out some random goals and obejectives thingy
yah those we used to get for CLE that kinda stuff
except it stated quite explicitly a few areas lah :D
then under CCA i wrote:
"to be the best"
What are you going to do to achieve your goal?
"Train"
HAHA yeah that's it
i am soooo going to improve
and i like to see myself improve too
cos like breaking
when you get moves down
you can feel it HAHA like cos you at first cannot do
then train train train until can do
sense of satisfaction sioll :D
SO YAH dancing's really reall fun
and i'm actually handling my studies quite well for now
not really much i dont understand
so more time for me to dance haha :D yay
i really wonder sometimes
if you guys actually like me hanging around with y'all
(was going to write hanging around with me but wasn't quite appropriate so... ): )
or just cant to chase me away
D:
its just the general feeling that i get when i'm around people
maybe i'm thinking too much
and yet again maybe i'm not
i really dont know whether i'm annoying you guys with my presence
whether you guys appreciate it or not
i really dont know
i just get the feeling that everyone's pretending
to like i dont know, be okay with me and everything
argh i really hate that feeling though
if you guys really dont like me around or stuff
just tell me straight in the face
really dont have to pretend and do all the shit
BUT
then again you guys really dont mind
its my low self esteem kicking in again
sigh
what to do
9:44 PM
Monday, March 21, 2011
hahaha no street training today
but omg we all super cool lah
"everyday i'm shuffling" XD
all stay back to dance woohoo we're awesome
but shit
EVERYONE'S TOO BLOODY SICK
deluding me saying whoa fukang you damn sick that kinda shit
then you all dont know how many time sicker
I NEED TO IMPROVE
i seriously want to outshine all of you haha
and trust me i'll try my best ;) you all better improve too huh
and omg windmill-ing is super fun, i miss breaking :D
even though i got bruises everywhere again haha
on my waist shoulder forearm palm omg everywhere blueblack swollen D:
BUT its still cool :D
i've been super deluded
i keep thinking i'm quite good at dancing
no more man no more
you guys woke me up (:
now time to improve like crazy
where to start HMM...
i need to come up with my own moves muahaha :D
improve improve improve (:
the silver mirrors will be seeing me quite often i guess :D
its time to be perfect
10:26 PM
Sunday, March 20, 2011
noooooooooooo
NUUUUUUUUUUUU
our march hols are over ): hahahaha if only school passed by this fast seriously
we should like turn school into half days then the rest of the time put to hols or something ):
HMM... 2nd term
i think its going to be pretty hardcore seriously haha
street performances and more studies
things are about to get real difficult from here on ):
and i'm getting a lot of white hair from all the work XD
BUT i managed to finish up my holiday homework woohoo :D productiveness ftw
i mean like a lot of people were/ARE rushing last minute so :D
there's quite a bit of peer pressure lately
positive peer pressure (: my entire class's some super mugger class
so everyone's mugging every now and then
i think i'm cultivating a habit to mug ):
luckily there's like dance to keep me sane hahaha :D
i think i'm <3-ing street dance more and more
its one area where i think i can really let loose and have fun
after all the schoolwork and mugging
its really satisfying to destress hahaha
and the street people are cool to hang out with ( i think ) :D
coming to think of it
its quite cool how ryan yongxin and i are still in the same CCA (:
SIGH but back to reality
school is back work is back stress is back everything
was really nice to have a one week break though :O
gave me quite some time to think about things too (:
things have been changing lately... so i'm really confused over some stuff
i really dont know what to feel, what i'm supposed to do or anything
oops TMI
right so enjoy your last 3 hours of holidays people
and have fun when school starts
or try.
try harder too HAHA :P
8:44 PM
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
why is it that every now and then
i feel so suddenly depressed... ):
its like i was looking at like my facebook, reading some stuffs
then i just felt so overshadowed
dont think i'm weird or anything HAHA
i mean, i was wondering why i'm not as enthu compared to other people in my cca
why i'm not as good as others
why i'm not as overachieving
and a lot of other stuff
i just always feel overshadowed
why is everyone always so much better?
why why why WHYYYYYYY ):
i'm always so much less compared to everyone around me
less fun, less cool, less at everything
is it just me that's just not good enough
or is it the fact that everyone's just better at everything?
there're people with everthing
looks, talents, brains everything
then being friends with them just put a lot of things into perspective
not that i dont like them as friends or anything
you just cant help thinking that he/she is just better than you
then lapse into this emo crapzxz
SIGH i know its not healthy to keep thinking this way
but what to do ):
the more i keep working towards being better, being more perfect
people seem more and more perfect compared to you
there's no stopping them
argh damn this thing is damn depressing right ):
bad thoughts bad thoughts but i cant seem to keep them out
i'll try i'll try ):
see how things turn out
and see what people tell me
just might help
so (:
9:24 PM
Monday, March 14, 2011
HELLO PEOPLE
its halfway through jobweek so i'm kinda still stuck in school for the rest of tomorrow D:
DANCEWORKS YESTERDAY WOOHOO :D it was super eye opening omg there're so many good good dancers out there hahaha, makes me want to improve so much more. Just finished training my body waves HAHA :D dancing is cool dancing is cool
but we didnt win omg ): our seniors deserved to get it lah seriously, but in the end we just didnt and we kinda had this emo session, totally wasnt healthy ):
BUT BUT BUT everyone cheered up yayyyy :D and we went to hang out at plaza singgg (: it was damn cool lah :D our j2s and j1s together chilling and playing retarded games :D everyone was super high haha got to see the fun side of everyone (:
but shit getting damn tired these few days, just totally CRASHING in the mornings like nobody's business heh, and it's the hols sia (:
its damn surprising how some people can actually bother to complain about their looks and get away with it
the next time ryan seah tells me he's ugly
i'll slap him till he's that ugly
not like he's been saying it a lot lately HAHA just saying
i cant smile in photos or else i'll seriously look damn unglam ): and it spoils a lot of photos whenever i try ):
sigh and i dont even look that good or photogenic or whatever
how can people look so good and get away with it
SIGH
looks do get you somewhere dont they ): damn it
everytime i look at photos at myself
i just cringe, its harder than looking myself in the mirror
because i just realised how retarded i looked at that moment
there's never always a mirror in front of you to check your image, your actions, your 'glamness', there's not a mirror like that
it just goes to show how little i watch myself out there ):
i dont know whether its a good or bad thing really, am i being open :D or just being unconscious of my self-image D:
how to get over your looks sia ):
you guys all have it easy, you guys dont know how superficial you all can be at times ): subconscious kind of thing i think
we're all superficial arent we, DEEP DEEP DOWN INSIDE THERE, ask yourself, you're really superficial arent you? You really really like to talk to the hot guy/girl over there, and you seriously dont get why the retarded guy/girl keeps annoying you. We're all like that.
how do we move beyond that? How? ): i really hope that people can see that i'm really a nice guy underneath my retarded looks, a sensitive person caring for everyone. Not that i'm pointing fingers at anyone, i'm just hoping (:
I just believe that personality holds out longer than looks lah (: so lets just start working from there muahaha :D HMM what are my flaws then...? Too dependent? Too talkative? Too silent? HAHA damn i really dont know either :D too perfect lah my personality XD HAHAHA omg sorry ego moment (: RIIIGHHHT
i'm really trying to see beyond looks lah (: (no pun intended)
but everytime i look at photos (or the lack thereof) i justt... ):
LETS KEEP TRYING :D i'm an awesome person RIGHT RIGHT :D
-silence-
HAHA i'll take that as a yes
it's time to be perfect
12:25 AM
Thursday, March 10, 2011
hello people :D
hahaha sorry havent been posting regularly
no time, more homework, how to post sia :D or maybe i'm just lazy sometimes muahahaha
school's getting okay :D with street dance under way! Its so cool lah, how everything works, we meet new people, we learn new stuff, and i actually like it.
And our female choreographer is freaking (Y) pro, do all the shit also wont get tired one hahaha then we all rotting XD
Still feeling low and lonely this few days ): its damn sad lah, everyone just drifting all over the places i dont even know where to find anyone anymore.
Maybe i just want to feel needed once in awhile, needed by someone, like how i need you all. I just hope people can reciprocate my friendliness and need for you guys, i just want to feel important. ): I never get that kind of feeling anymore, I'm just a throw-aside, just chuck me when you're done with me that kind of thing. ):
Sigh, even the new people i meet, i dont know, i just get the feeling that they're getting annoyed with me or something. Am i very annoying? ): Perhaps. I'm just trying my best, isn't that enough?
Why is everything never enough however hard i try? What am i doing wrong? Why do i feel so lost without everyone beside me? Why? Will I ever find the answers D:
Sorry for the random rantings hahaha :P I just needed to get my thoughts out, everything's just so confusing for me hahaha
Do i need a best friend to rely on, or what? How do best friends exist anyway? I really have no idea leh hahahha ):
Oh well (: i'll try to cope for now, we'll see we'll see
11:02 PM
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
yoyoyo :D hahaha life's okay now... i think?
HAHA i mean i haven't started feeling the workload yet
CCAs just started and guess what, STREET DANCE IS AWESOME :D it was suppperrrrr fun haha dancing for a cca, dream come true manz :D
whoa but its rather hardcore also, our choreographer make us do like some hopping warm-up thingy for like half and hour, so all our thighs are like rotting now teehee, but not like mine aching lah psh HAHA
i think i'm looking forward to the rest of the trainings lah, just hoping a bit that the choreographies can be taught a bit slower
And talking about choreography, our seniors taught us one super slutty one, like seriously, dancing to Candy Coated Sugar omg hahaha damn gay for the guys
Anyway, fun aside, i hate being left out of things, really ):
It sucks seeing everyone else participating in something, and you're just like slacking off alone, not only does it make you feel damn guilty, also make you feel super lonely D:
And have i said this? I like being appreciated. I think everyone likes being appreciated lah, a simple 'thank you' here and there for everything people do make them feel a bit warm and fuzzy inside. I'm just not getting that these few days, not even when i try so hard to make things work. Is it all to waste?
HAHA just realised this blog post is damn jumbled up, all around the place kinda thing, i mean just saying lah, these few thoughts just jumped up when i was thinking of what to blog
And guys, just reminding, we're already 1/3 into the year.
You might want to start treasuring your time before the thirds are up.
Its TIME (omg so lame HAHA) to be perfect :D
9:06 PM
