Saturday, April 30, 2011

my chem teacher always talk about investment in time or something like that
(he's a damn good teacher btw)
like how we must learn to see what to put time in
more time or less time
based on what we're going to get out of it lah
like the example he gave:

"if you keep liking this girl
then you know she won't like you back
then useless trying to put time into trying to get her to like you"

just wondering lah
if people don't appreciate my effort into relationships
then should i even be trying that hard at all
wouldn't i get more like out of studying or something
rather than "wasting" my time
._.
we only have two years to prove our worth in the A-levels leh
and my GP common test is in 3 weeks
i really need to plan my work and dance and lepak more effectively
if people don't appreciate me lepaking
then i probably put more time into sleep and work or something
i just want to believe that people are appreciating my company lah
but i dont know, just the feeling that i get sometime
make me feel so unimportant and useless
i must as well use this time to do some other shit right
BUT i'm not emo (:
i'm still happy
but i'm super tired omg
i'm dying for the past few days lah
and i think trying to keep up my optimism and happy mood
is totally sapping my energy
its really quite hard sometimes when people around me are sian
and i try harder to keep the mood up
-yawn-
its really super tiring
but i still am trying
it feels good to be happy lah (:
keep it up :D
its still time to be perfect (:

10:14 PM

Friday, April 29, 2011

been awhile since i've last blogged haha (:
life's pretty okay i guess
i mean i'm still happy and everything
but just super tired omg
KO-ed for wednesday and thursday in a row
tried to do work and just ended up super asleep
-yawn-
handstands, push ups, crunches and crickets everyday after school
i feel so accomplished lah when i feel myself sweating
i just want to get stronger and buffer HAHA
too weak for breakdancing ):
but i think its starting to take a toll on my body
AND I WANT TO WINDMILL OMG
seriously i do get jealous when i see breakers do all their cool stuff
i start wondering why i cannot do those stuff they do
and then they get cheers and everything
HAHA just jealous lah
but this jealousy driving me to learn everything (Y)
i want to learnnnnnn quick (:

as much as i try to be happy all day long
there're things that still bring me down once in a while
i might be handling these kinds of things better
i still feel kinda cheery all day long
but i do seem to be overthinking again
i really dont want to slip into my emo state again ):
i'm still happy
but happy for how long more
i really dont know
i am trying i really am
jiayou fu kang you can do this (:

11:37 PM

Monday, April 25, 2011

i've a blister from a carpet burn
(or the studio floor whatever (: )
i'm bleeding from the hips
i still can't get my windmill down
i'm still not as funny
and yet i'm happy (:
i like being happy :D

11:45 PM

Sunday, April 24, 2011

i'm never going to let myself be emo again
ever
whenever i get emo, everything just changes
whatever i worked so hard to achieve just crumbles
and it also makes everything so much more awkward ):
i especially hate the awkward part
i mean like if everything gets awkward
you all won't like to talk to me (yes i can tell)
and that just makes me feel more left out and more emo
just a super vicious cycle D:
i wish things could go back to what they were ):
sigh
what to do, i can't turn back time
i'll just try from now onwards
more confidence, less overthinking, be yourself
hope it can change things for the better ):
had some inspirational moments at haiyin today
when i saw the kids all happy
and their lovely notes
i just couldnt help thinking how beautiful their little hearts are
(mine's not any bigger but)
you get what i mean (:
they're so contented with their lives
they're so happy
why can't we all go back to those days
where things were all happy and carefree
where no one judged you for your lack of maturity
where everyone just had fun together
i want it to be that way ):
living as a kid, with an old man's wisdom
that'll probably be what i'm going to try to achieve from now on
and perhaps i can learn to appreciate myself more
and hopefully you guys can too ):
i just really dislike the sense of loneliness
and rejection (consciously or subconsciously)
give me a chance to prove myself
just that silver chance
try to erase all your judgmental opinions you had of me ):
i promise myself to try to be as happy as i can be
lets do this (:
its time to be perfect
very perfect

6:51 PM

there you go
well done fu kang
that's the way to go
when you're down, dont show it
when you're left out, dont show it
when you're sad, dont show it
when you're jealous, dont show it
when you're angry, dont show it
when you're disappointed, dont show it
after all, a happy face is what everyone needs to see to believe that you're happy (:
why trouble them with your own troubles
just let them think you're happy
life's easier that way
well at least their life is
(:
keep smiling fu kang
just take things out within yourself
if you want to emo, emo yourself
no else wants to do the same
why sabotage the mood right (:
let them be happy they wont notice you anyway
when they do, just flash them your sweetest smile
and they'll probably buy it (:
yes keep on smiling fu kang
:D
and just something to learn
why try so hard?
you'll be let down either way
so why let yourself be more disappointed
why (:
keep up that smile, looking good
:D

12:08 AM

Saturday, April 23, 2011

what to do ):
sometimes i make the worst mistakes
the most stupid insensitive mistakes
and i actually prize myself on being a sensitive person
i'm such an idiot
anger and jealousy never go together well
but what to do
if i'm being treated like that
i'll just have to deal with it ):
i'll find out how
one way or another
just hope i don't go the wrong way this time round

9:42 AM

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

sometimes i wonder what i'm trying so hard for
not like anyone cares ):

P.S thank you so much for listening me out (:

11:58 PM

Sunday, April 17, 2011

hello people (:
just realised i haven't been posting in 6 days
and the post 6 days before is like ._. HAHA oops
had quite a rush of work this week
PERFORMED ON WEDNESDAY (: we rock street
i think the street people are the people i can relate to more (:
perhaps because we share the same passion? (:
but now there's the topic of EXCO positions going around
i'm just hoping that it won't cause any tension around us guys
it wouldn't be healthy ):
but even so, i think i still want that EXCO position lor HAHA
i mean it is prestigious
5 people out of 20 over people get to be in it
says something lah
authority, popularity however you want to interpret it
but all i want to do is just to help our CCA improve (:
and it sounds kind of challenging
given that i dont really have a lot of experience :P
i'm some noob lah HAHA all the rest of the people seem so much more capable
but i'm still going to give my best shot (:
and then PI D:
had no time lor so much time spent on dance omg
preparing for the cca showcase performance all the time
totally neglected my work omg ):
but now must try to catch up already hahahaha
cannot stay up till 3 anymore XD
and then there was class camp on thursday and friday
super fun super fun super fun pewboomz XD
but super tiring :P
it was a slack camp lah compared to what i went through in scouts and obs
but its a lot more retarded with 20 people around you HAHA (Y)
but i kinda missed street though aww (:
HAHA and now
i finally get a short break lah
slacking my ass off when i should be catching up on work :P
but its was kinda interesting
i read all the posts i had from april 2010 (:
all the memories ): mostly sad and emo-ish ones
HAHAHA but oh well
i think i could see myself growing up a bit
maturing and slowly thinking things through
and its quite enlightening to see yourself in this light (:
i think i've changed quite a bit
from the emo-puff i used to be to what i am today
a cool, hot, optimistic person :D
and that's quite good i mean
we all want to be like me :D
i shall try and continue to be like this
and perhaps people will like to be around me more
(:
i like people to like being around me haha
but i think i stopped wondering whether i'm boring that kinda thing
although it rushes past my mind once in a while
i think i'm better now yay :D
i shall try to stop being emo
reading how i was so emo in the past really ):
disheartens me lah i dont know ): depressing D:
HAHA so yah (:
back to chem?
or more slacking?
HMM (:

4:54 PM

Monday, April 11, 2011

hahaha no time to blog manzzzz
everything's piling up
math,econs,PW and cca showcase
but the last one's dominating my schedule
shit HAHA
need to focus on my work manz
but how aiyooo (:

11:36 PM

Friday, April 8, 2011

just another one
of those down moments
screw this shit
i need to cheer up for tomorrow

11:09 PM

Thursday, April 7, 2011

sometimes i just feel as if
no one cares about me at all
):
no one just notices what i try to do
they don't ask me whether i'm okay
they just don't notice me
i still remember one dinner 1/2 weeks back?
i went away to change into uniform
like out of my sweaty clothes
came back
i could literally see all the shocked faces
and one person actually said "shit, forgot about you"
it just feels damn shitty
and problem is
i don't even know what to do myself
call me attention-seeking
call me whatever you want
everyone needs attention and care every now and then
just that i get less of it
i try to care for everyone around me
i ask whether you're okay, you're alright
and i don't know whether you all appreciate it
but if you don't then just forget it
i don't even feel like wasting my effort
-.-/one word replies/lol/whatever/fine pisses me off big time
just saying
perhaps my expectations of you guys are too high
maybe i'm trying too hard to be nice
i really dont know
i just dont want to get ignored

i really try so hard to impress
i try to be funny
i learn how to do shit
i'm as nice as possible, self sacrificial
but maybe no one cares at all
i'm just fooling myself

and i'm done being jealous
or at least i want to be done with it
everyone's too much better at everything
i can't beat everyone
i can improve
but maybe not to the extent that i win people
but perhaps to the extent that people actually see i'm better
i'm really trying my best at everything
if i'm learning too slow
if i cannot catch up
i just can't, at the moment, i need some time
i'm not some genius like some of you
i really need time and effort
singing, dancing, BREAKdancing, humor
there's so much i want to work on
D:
i just really want to be the best ):
why?
i just want people to like me
to like being around me
to be impressed at what i do
):
perhaps right now it just isnt the case
i dont see the point in being jealous of other people
but you can't help it
its just like you want to be where they are now
getting so much of what you want
but you know you aren't there
yet
yet.
watch me.

11:06 PM

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

-yawn-
getting super tired these days
hope i dont fall asleep in class tomorrow
i keep sleeping during lectures
):
staying up for random reasons
and i dont even know whether i'm being appreciated for it
but never mind
i'm still super tired
first time i feel tired while dancing
probably all the blocking stuff
damn boring and my heel's injured
dancing was quite tough for me today argh D:

street dinner!! :D
was okay lah i guess
super tired then very hard to talk also
9 people then i self sacrifice go be forever alone DX
and i'm not even funny
so hard to make people laugh
):

shit 5 minutes up
need go do work
and go sleep
i so wanna sleep ):

11:41 PM

Monday, April 4, 2011

):
i dont like feeling sad
i dont like offending people
but i dont really know when i cross the line or not
i dont know whether its getting too much
):
i try to be funny
i really really do
but i have absolutely no idea how people do it so well
I JUST-
i try my ways, if they're offensive, i'll stop
but i really dont know how to be funny
i want to be funny
i like it when people laugh and be happy around me
ITS REALLY depressing when you're trying so hard
and yet people still rather not talk to you
and talk to other people instead
i get all jealous and shit all over
i'm cheering up as well as i can
i try to be energetic
i try to high up
i really do try, if you people cant see it, i'm just saying
and i hate it when people cant see it
sigh
what must i do?
what is it with me that's just not funny?
i really DONT KNOW ):
OTHER PEOPLE JUST SEEM SO MUCH FUNNIER THAN ME
people enjoy talking to them much more compared to me
i just feel so left out of everything

"its not the tears that measure the pain,
sometimes, its the smile we fake just to show others its okay"

hmm

10:27 PM

Sunday, April 3, 2011

street camp is over
i mean was over haha
over yesterday D:
the whole thing was super fun
like really REALLY fun
in the morning i was super tired
but then went there freestyle a bit then wake up already lah HAHA
but a bit weird being the only one so hyper
XD
then uhm split into groups
no awkwardness leh i too awesome already haha
cos our group color is blue
so our name (anyhow) at first became what
"The Whale In The Sky" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
can you imagine omg i cant
then we just took the first letter of everyone's names
=
FML.LE (limited edition)
i think our group name really the coolest :D
then goal setting:

3 months : foundation
1 year : be (one of) the best

imma work towards that (:
THEN WE HAD OUR OWN TSHIRTS TO DESIGN CAN YOU IMAGINE HAHA WOOTS
COOLEST GROUP IDENTITY EVER :D
so ours went like "JUST DANCE" -FML.LE soooo cool <3
then we had a steffi session
DAMN SCARED OMG SHE DIDNT PRAC WITH US
i thought she was pissed with us or something
but apparently she had to teach the girls something
so we had to drill our choreo outside with the seniors (:
quite fun lah the seniors damn retarded :P
then lunch
-skip-
then WE HAD STATION GAMES
WOOHOO HAHA DAMN FUN
our group damn epic
main highlight of the street camp video (Y)
then WE HAD TO CHOREO OUR OWN DANCE
OMG
OMG
OMG
it seemed super intimidating at first
and we had Party Rock Anthem (1:40 of it)
EVERYONE SAY WHOA WHOA WHOA I WANT THAT SONG
they have no idea
they think entire thing shuffle shuffle shuffle damn easy lidat
the beats were super repetitive
hard song
REALLY hard song
but omg our group damn imba
all the ideas pour out like idontknowhat (Y)
lingyi had good routine moves to do
ma chang had the formation in mind
esther had super constructive comments on our choreo generally
leon with the moves
and i
uhm
HAHA okay lah i helped a bit here and there
but i dont really have a choreo mind :P
but whoa shit super stress for that 3 hours
STREET NIGHT
we performed first omg
and i really think we did super great (Y)
but whoa the other teams' choreos were super good as well
and really can see the individual skills and talents
EVEN if they're not solo-ing
can see one (Y)
they just do stuff better haha
but ending a bit sad lah
ms ng came in and got all strict ):
but we went to lepak just outside school gates omg HAHA
until super late like 11.30 or something
we're really awesome

"Baby, if you love me, please smile for me"

and shit i'm damn unfunny D:
))):
HAHA and omg on the way home
i was sleepwalking
sooooo tired omg
THEN I CRASHED INTO A BUSH HAHAHAHAHHA
LUCKILY THERE WAS NO ONE AROUND SO DAMN PAISEH
HAHA
BUT STREET CAMP WAS AWESOME :D
i think i'll miss it soon
but i think we're really all cool people :D

9:39 PM

Friday, April 1, 2011

i hate it when jealousy gets the better of me
HATE IT
just a whole lot of shit
there's just no way i can ever do anything

11:59 PM

why cant i sing
why why why why why why why
):
just went for some concert
then spammed with so much awesome singing NUUUUU D:
so depressing
its like really really REALLY depressing
THEY CAN SING SO BLOODY WELL
and i'm here croaking like a retard ):
AND NO I CANNOT DANCE
i'm damn lousy compared to all the pro shits i keep see-ing at training HAHA
i cant do no shit
is singing well like a blessing or what
that like people with super nice voices can just sing better
i mean like everyone can sing
but these people just do it sooooo much better
jealous jealous jealousssssssss >.<
and SOME PEOPLE -ahem- can already sing
STILL COME AND TELL ME THEY EMO HAHAHAHHAHAHA
dont know how lucky they are really
compared to wannabes like me
they're really really very good already lah
still complain tsk (:
ANYWAY
I STILL WANT TO SING
WHY I CANNOT SING WELL D:
WHY PEOPLE SO MULTI-TALENTED
WHY PEOPLE CAN DO EVERYTHING
WHY THEY SOOOO GOOD
WH-
forget it
i'm just going to try doing everything i want
hmph
AND ITS STREET CAMP TOMORROW
so i need to sleep yucks ):