Sunday, May 29, 2011
performed at rg campfire yesterday
it was awesome haha omg
3 days of effort and we come up with a masterpiece
ryan seah is now officially ryan sick on my phone
and we got this cool cute souvenir omg <3
going to put it in the street studio hehe
but yay we were damn good i think (Y)
and omg on the train back
a person fainted
another person vomited
then got some bag that someone left on the train
all happened right in front of me
RIGHT THERE
omg all in the same carriage
super scary can D:
was like "any moment, i can actually die"
but oh well i'm safe and sound hehe :D
10:25 PM
Friday, May 27, 2011
i'm not a British rapper. how.
i saw this cool sketch book with black pages
i think imma get it
looks so cool haha and feels cool too
so this blog might just die lah HAHAHA see how
everything i write in that book already what
not so public also good lah
what i write here is really everything i'm thinking about
see what i mean by trusting too easily
oh well
being more reserved with my thoughts
not like my thoughts' worth any pennies out there
12:34 AM
Thursday, May 26, 2011
1. You are who you think you are
2. You are what others think you are
3. You are what you want to be
In the end, only you can find out who you want to be, and only you know who you are
12:05 AM
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
i'm being one with the shadows again
just blending and hiding in the darkness
9:52 PM
Sunday, May 22, 2011
now that everything's clear
its time to change
4:36 PM
i'm getting tired of posting the exact same thing here
again and again
and i think you all are getting tired of reading it as well
but what am i supposed to do
i just feel the same everyday
cold, alone, left out, solitude
but i really need to tell someone or write something
and there's no one for me to tell anything to
i was just thinking i should start keeping a diary
and draw and write all the stuff i want inside
and stop writing here
its too public
and no one appreciates me anyway
what's the point
i'm just going to keep everything to myself
and its not that i want to
its just because no one wants to talk to me
and i really want to pour out everything
everyone takes it the wrong way
and they judge me
and i hate being judged
can't guys get emotional?
is it wrong for us to be easily hurt?
i don't give a shit anymore
one thing i learnt today
from my friend ordering dinner
right in front of me
it just revealed so much about the way i should be
i shouldn't give a shit so much anymore
if things don't work out
when people don't make them work out
there's nothing i can do about it
its too entirely one way the way things are going
and i'm getting so tired of trying so hard
and thinking so much
i should just go to sleep
and shut myself out from this useless world
which i dont have a place in
"nobody cares, cause i'm alone and the world is having more fun than me"
entirely true
no one notices or cares about me when they're having fun anyway
12:15 AM
Saturday, May 21, 2011
i get so insecure sometimes
12:27 AM
Thursday, May 19, 2011
its just so damn frustrating
i dont even know what to do anymore
its so freaking hard to please everyone
i try my very best
and people just don't appreciate it the way i expect them to
maybe i'm expecting too much out of everyone
maybe everyone doesn't even need me to be there
maybe i'm trying too hard
there're so many maybes piling up
and then crashing down on me all so suddenly
and somehow when you emerge from all these maybes
you realise that maybe what you're doing
is either not enough
or not good enough
and more often than not
its just that i'm not good enough
i don't even know why i expect so much out of everyone
i'm just too bloody naive
i think that i give my best
people will appreciate it and return the gift whole-heartedly
when actually people tear open the gift wrapper
and then forget who gave the present in the first place
and maybe just toss the present aside
because all that's sitting in that little wrapper
is a dull, uninteresting, boring old cardboard box
its not even the fact that i don't paint it
nor is it the fact that i didn't decorate it
people just seem blind to the fact that i'm actually trying
and they just use the box for a soccer ball
or a soccer box in this case
what can i actually do
so that the box actually seems like a colorful treasure box full of jewels to you all
i dont even know what to do anymore
everytime i try so hard
other people do better without even trying
i'm tired of the feeling
that i'm being compared to people
i do it
you do it
we do it
as much as anyone says they're not comparing you to other people
what you got to understand is
when people actually like being around other people
enjoy themselves more around them
you ARE being compared
you cannot match up to the other people there
they're just better in ways you cannot seem to see
and its making me feel more and more left out
left out of everything i used to once have
left out and feeling ever so alone
i can feel it
when people are around me
they just don't seem to be as interested to talk to me compared to other people
and when they stick around them it just proves my point more
and it just hurts me to see people like that
i feel so under-appreciated
i dont think i should try so hard anymore
i dont think i should expect so much out of everyone
i should just give up
the whole world's just bearing down on me
so hard i'm collapsing from the weight
and no one even notices i'm carrying it in the first place
no one ever notices the small little things i try to do
call me attention seeking
call me a retard
call me whatever
i don't even feel like caring anymore
i dont want to give a shit anymore
i just want to give up and cry
cry my heart out, just let all my failures out through my tears
i want so much to be appreciated like everyone else
i want to make everyone smile and laugh
i want everyone to like being around me
i want everyone to be happy
i want to be funny
i want so much
people say "be yourself, be yourself"
SINCE WHEN HAS THAT EVER BEEN ENOUGH
SINCE WHEN HAS THAT SUFFICED
IF IT HAS
I WOULDNT BE IN THIS SHIT I AM RIGHT NOW
ITS JUST SO DAMN FRUSTRATING
I'M JUST TOO LOUSY AND TOO BORING
TO BE OF ANY FUN TO BE AROUND WITH AT ALL
AND I HATE IT
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW SHITTY IT FEELS TO BE BORING
I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING SO BORING
BUT WHAT CAN I DO
people don't care about what you try to do
they just care about what you do in the end
should i just pretend
what's the use in being all so true and sincere with my personality
maybe i should start hiding it
i should start censoring it
there's not point actually
NO ONE CARES
i really am lost
i dont know what to do
if you guys really don't like talking to me
i'm just going to be disappointed
there's nothing i can do anyway
i'm just forever going to be left out
and kicked aside like a lost puppy wandering around aimlessly
and maybe someday i'll find a home to go to
but right now
its just the streets for me
no pun intended
and right now
i just want to escape from this world
escape from this uncaring world which i have no place in
there's no one that wants me here anyway
how can i run away
i just want to run away into some other dimension
or stop time probably
and take a break
a break from all this shit i'm going through
and then maybe i'll come back into the real world
just maybe
a very big maybe
10:50 PM
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
i feel so alone
too alone
there's no one that really enjoys talking to me
too unfunny too boring too uninteresting
i can't match up to anyone
its so hard fighting towards that ideal
when other people are already that ideal
and it just get emphasized in your face
over and over again
till i have to admit time and time again
i'm just not good enough
and no one's ever going to enjoy my company
no one's ever going to appreciate my presence
no one's ever going to appreciate my enthusiasm
no one at all
i'm just here by myself
all by myself with no one to talk to
i don't even know what to say or think anymore
its just the same every single time
i end up with the same freaking problem
i'm just not cool enough
i'm just not funny enough
you all say- forget it
this blog's not for blaming people anyway
i'm just not your type of person to talk to
and how many other reasons
everytime i try to start a conversation
be it msn, sms, face to face, phone
it just dies
there's no other way going around explaining it is there
i'm just bloody boring
that no one can actually endure a conversation with me
no one at all
i'm alone, all alone
trying so hard to break free from this pit of solitude
that i keep ending up deeper in
further and further down the pit i go
and maybe i don't even care anymore
nobody cares if i reach rock-bottom
no one gives a shit about what happens to me
no one gives a shit about what i think
no one gives a heck how hard i try
it ends up the same all the time
i should just shut up
i'm just being a noisy sore loser
if i'm like that, i should deal with it right
no one cares about you anyway
just go find a corner in this pit of solitude and go think
there's nothing you can do anyway
people are just too good
the pit's too deep for you to climb out
just plaster on a fake smile
and pretend you're doing okay
no one gives a shit how you feel
deal with it
life's like that
as much as you want to change it
you can't
you're nobody
you're just an oversensitive retard
you're just a boring old piece of shit
you're just an annoying little twat
you're just an uncool loser
you're just an awkward noob
what can you do?
just scram and get your face out of my sight fukang
i dont need you to spoil my day
just go try to dance
you look less like a retard that way
i dont give a shit what you do
just get lost
i feel so alone
too alone
who cares anyway
11:17 PM
Sunday, May 15, 2011
finally a break from the entire week
been averaging 3 hours of sleep everyday
for the past 5 days of school omg
yesterday during dance
when they were discussing new formations
i totally just slept there omg ):
but i really was quite tired D:
i'm getting quite used to it though
dont know whether its a good thing lah HAHA
maybe i need better time management (:
but omg GP CTs are like in 2 weeks time
and i'm failing every single GP test my teacher throws at me
how to pass
how to get average C
i think i need to start like now
finding examples and learning synonyms :O
things are looking up though
i'm finding myself being less sad already
maybe i really needed that wake up call
but yah (:
i'm enjoying myself so far
and there's still dance to keep me going
its like monday and wednesday
i just can't wait for school to end
and for street to start
and when there's like self prac on saturday
i just want friday night (when i'm sleeping)
to get over as quickly as possible HAHA
it gives me something to look forward to
and this saturday is our performance at WDA
i have a feeling we'll do damn awesome :D
life's good life's good
hope it stays that way~
its time to be perfect (:
11:57 AM
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
doing work at 4am in the morning
sigh what a life to have
just decided to pen my thoughts down
or type it ha ha ha
i'm just trying so hard to balance everything in RJ
social, work, cca
and i don't want any of them to be compromised
i can already feel different from the days back in RI
where everything didn't require as much dedication
and commitment
and then sometimes i do feel disappointed
i do feel let down
but i'm still trying my best ):
i just really want to have people that appreciate me for who i am
regardless of how well i do in studies
regardless of how little friends i have
regardless of how bad i dance
regardless of how uninteresting i am
to look beyond the surface and like me for who i am
have i actually found anyone?
"or are you just a decoy dream
in my head
am i home
or am i simply tumbling down alone~"
from on the wing by owl city~
i'd like to think that i've found some closer friends to talk to
and sometimes i really do believe in them
my faith holds strong
but when certain circumstances present themselves in such a way
that challenges my faith
i lose hold
i lose control
i lose sight of what we are
and i'm disappointed with myself
why am i so weak-minded
why can't i just continue believing
maybe certain issues in the past did compromise the faith i had in people
but things are happening now, fu kang
they might not be the same anymore
maybe there are people that appreciate you out there
its time for you to start appreciating them more with an open heart
but then again
things might be the same
and i'm just tumbling down alone
into a pit of solitude
i dont want to end up there
4:49 AM
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
i need to stop getting so worked up
getting so emotional
be a bit more rational
chill calm down relax a bit more
sigh
take a step back and chill
11:17 PM
i'm just so damn sad
i dont even know where i'm going wrong
why are other people so much nicer to talk to
why am i just like that
why
maybe i'm too selfish again
i should stop thinking about myself and for myself
):
i feel like just lying on my bed and cry and think
stupid gpp
11:01 PM
shit i'm feeling it
that sour feeling inside my heart again
the painful feeling
argh why must things have to be thrown in my face like that
its seriously damn painful
10:52 PM
sometimes i get too selfish
forgive me people
please
i'm sorry
1:39 AM
Monday, May 9, 2011
a bad habit of mine i discovered
i say sorry too many times
too many freaking times
when its my fault i say sorry
when its not my fault i say sorry
when i see you sad i say sorry
i say sorry for EVERYTHING
so that people won't feel bad around me
i take all the "bad"-ness upon myself for you all to be happy
and guess what
you all don't appreciate it at all
the more i say it
the more you take it for granted
and then you all start turning against me
stabbing me again and again
thinking its really my fault when i say sorry all the time
you all just hear sorry from me so many bloody times
that you all think that you're always in the right
while i'm the one doing wrong shit all the time
maybe sometimes i am
but i just keep getting the nagging feeling that i'm just getting blamed
or framed
for one thing or another when its not my fault at all
maybe i should stop
why must i say it so many times
when you all don't even appreciate my effort to make you all feel better
just screw all the sorries that i've said
maybe its time YOU GUYS
start taking up the blame you deserve
it got a little heavy in my heart
just saying
today's training went fine
but i was super tired
after i pushed my body all the way after training
i want to learn nike freeze sia
so today i practised one hand handstand
until i collapsed lo literally
and windmill until my forearm couldnt take the bruises
i was so so so tired
but i made it a point to try and high
cheer up, talk more, be like a retard
i wanted to stop feeling so tired and emo
and have fun just chilling and i wanted to try to get rid of
the exco-me divide thing in my head
it was actually going well for quite a while
until we ate lunch
i was so bloody disappointed
i tried so hard to converse with SOME PEOPLE
and then they can go
"THIS IS SO BORING" "what am i doing here, THIS IS SO BORING"
do you know how I feel when this kind of shit gets thrown against me
when i'm actually trying to be more extroverted
it takes up a whole shitload of energy, just so you know
because i'm a freaking introvert
and i'm still trying
and people don't even appreciate my effort to be social
move away from us somemore
fine
maybe its all my fault again
i'm not that funny person you want me to be
i'm not as funny as some OTHER people you rather talk to
i'm not cool enough
i'm just that piece of boring uninteresting shit you can't wait to avoid
but did you really have to be so outright about it
it just was quite hurtful
when i'm actually bothering to try and talk
then i get this type of response
what am i doing wrong then?
WHAT?
i'm just going to leave that as that
when we went back to school
i studied there while the exco people went for their meeting
leaving me the only one there lah
so i was mugging chem
and i intended to stay all the way until their meeting finished
and then go for dinner with them
see what i mean by trying
i was struggling so hard not to feel left out when they ALL left
leaving me there alone
and i didn't lah which is good (Y)
see what i mean by trying
i was planning to overcome my disappointment and my feel-left-out-ness
and so i mug mug mug
decided to go take a walk at around what 6 plus?
so walk walk walk
walk past the canteen
saw the two excos and then felt a bit of cringe inside
so i quickly walked away and found myself at the studio
it was open so i danced awhile inside before i got chased out by the guard heee (:
went back to mugging
it was already like 7.30
so i studied and i was just expecting
the exco people to come and like tell me to go
i was like "okay... mug awhile more they'll come soon"
maybe i was expecting too much out of you all
but how is taking a walk from the canteen to that place
even too much to ask?
you all are the exco after all
i really can't believe you all just LEFT without me for dinner
after you all left
then i got the text
a bit what right
if you all wanted it to be an exco dinner
well you had it
you all happy now
what happened to not creating a divide?
you all run off for dinner
and expect a non-exco member like me to crash a dinner for 10 exco people
whatever man
i dont even have anything much to say
i'm just bloody disappointed
just freaking disappointed
sometimes there comes point where you cannot find any other word
to describe how you're feeling
except that very one word
and that's when you know what the word truly means
and i've found out disappointment
things after another has just smacked that feeling
straight into my head
and its so hard to get it out
i'm just disappointed
there's nothing much i can do about it
if you all are going to forget that i existed in street then fine
there's nothing i can do about it
you all exco then damn big already lah
only each other important
forget the common people
is there a purpose in life
or anything at all
to find a reason for our existence
is that our purpose?
then if so why do i exist in street?
what am i doing in street?
so its just dancing?
nothing more?
is that why you guys forgot i existed in the first place?
i'm getting so tired of trying
and tired of being forgotten time and again
i'm just being taken for granted to be there all the time
funny how this is the only place
i can write out everything and rant
there's no one i can actually talk to like that
the people that mean more to me
are the ones that actually do hurt me the most
who can i turn to for a listening ear? ):
forget it
i'm just going to pretend to be happy
if everyone wants a smile
then i'll give you all that
then all your judging can be based on that
and maybe you all will like me better
i'll just high everytime i'm sad or happy
just high and pretend
and see how things go
i just want to be appreciated
10:30 PM
Saturday, May 7, 2011
what a birthday guys
what a birthday
i felt so appreciated
there are people that love me out there after all
i love you guys omg
thank you 12S06P for the cake and well-wishes
i'm actually quite surprsised so many people actually wished my happy birthday
it was quite an interesting experience heh
sudeep, ryan, yongxin thank you for the awesome night we had
as the buklaus
its been so long since we've last came together
and had spastic fun like that
hope we continue to stay tight till like
forever and ever
the book is so so so awesome omg :')
can't believe you all went to collect so many notes :")
its the best birthday present i ever got
not because its the only one
but more like because its from you guys
that made it so special
if only everyday were my birthday
i need to try and stay this happy everyday
(:
let's stay awesome guys
thank you so much for everything~
9:54 AM
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
i'm actually much more disappointed
than i expected myself to be
the sudden reality of everything suddenly just struck me so hard
D:
yes i didn't make it into street exco
i'm not complaining that i deserve to be in it more than anyone else
i think that our current exco will do fine no problem (:
but why did i fail again?
ever since i've entered JC
its just failure after failure
whether its failure in social life
failure in academics, failure in interviews
i've been having them all
and the worst thing
every time i'm just giving my very best
what am i doing wrong?
its like going up against a stone wall
people tell you to give your best shot
and just maybe you'll be able to break it
but i try and try again
to get bleeding knuckles and broken feet
and the stone wall unscratched
everything suddenly seemed so much heavier
after the exco announcements
i wasn't exactly disappointed right away
it was till after... around the farewell?
then i realised everything is going to change
or maybe they already have
i've been dedicating so much time to street
i swear today 2 people RANDOMLY commented on the amount of white hair i had
and they're not even because of studying
i've been dancing so much.
ever since i came from sec 4
i wanted to actually achieve something in JC
achieve more than what i could ever possibly could
life in sec 4 was just so slack
and my grades suffered so poorly
i wanted to be one of those high achievers
that actually had a future paved out for them
and not continue what i was doing
i wanted to do something, like actually do something
i decided to go for both BLYC and street
do some form of service and enjoy dancing as a cca
i failed BLYC and failed the re-interview for it as well
at that point of time i really really wanted to do service
thought it was rather cool to give back to the community
it was a hard time for me accepting that failure
but oh well i'm over that
i barely made it into street, from ye oon
"the choreographer actually didn't like you a lot
we begged her to let you go in"
i BARELY made it
i'm one of the worst dancers when i got in
but i made it an aim to be (one of) the best after this year
and i aimed to be in the exco
i wanted to lead something for once
and partly because i like dancing so much
i wanted to give back to street for giving me a place to continue my passion
and i tried my best
i tried talking to everyone more
i tried dancing more, improving my skills
i tried improving my social skills, be more funny, open
i tried being more of a leader
i tried stepping up, taking the initiative more often
i tried committing more time to street
i tried staying back for all the dinners to socialise
i tried everything
i tried my best
i wanted that position in street exco quite badly i guess
i gave it my all for that period of time
i tried changing myself to be more capable
and yet, quite obviously
i failed
there are people in street i thought i could be close friends with
i really thought so
there are the people i thought i could trust more
but maybe i'm wrong
i might be trusting people too easily
and whenever misunderstandings happen, things get awkward
i thought close friends could tide through misunderstandings
but maybe we're not that close after all
i'm just thinking too much as usual
and then now, excoship ties the 5 of you down
you all have so much commitment to make
are we going to even have time to hang out anymore?
i'm just quite sad that i might be losing these few friends
and then some of you talked about exco divide
i think the problem lies not more in us rejecting you guys
its maybe the fact that you feel more exclusive
you all meet more often by yourselves
and start forgetting that we're there
we will drift apart from you all
and the divide is created
you're all tight within yourselves
but do you still remember us?
that's just the feeling that i'm getting from the outgoing exco
i rarely see them hang out with the rest of their batch anymore
its really just them
i dont want us to feel left out that's all
i want all of us to be as tight
and i really don't want to see my closer friends drift away from me
these kind of experiences have never been good ones
just painful ones
talking about painful brings me back to dance again
all the bruises on my body never go away
i keep trying again and again
i want to improve my standard
to pull myself out of the last few
and throw myself far in front
and maybe earn some respect from the other dancers
every session, yes, EVERY SINGLE SESSION
i try breakdancing after the session ended
there're these bruises on my right hip, right forearm, and left elbow
that never go away
they never get to recover fully
because i try so hard to get the moves down
i keep getting injured again and again
i actually pity my body having to undergo all these torture
maybe it'll have a better time in the next life
but for now
when the bruises finally recover
it'll be only after i perfect the moves
but when
when can i actually overtake everyone to take the front
so that i can actually be of some importance in street?
today after street farewell
where we gave our goodbyes to our seniors it was their last prac )':
i actually woke up at 3am to do clive's board
and i only slept at 12
3 hours of sleep totally feels shitty just saying
yah so we ordered pizza and bought drinks
presented the boards and caps
i was already feeling the awkwardness already after the exco thing
i didnt want to show my disappointment
but yet the atmosphere was so damn high
i just couldn't feel in place
we went to pick up the girls' bags
and i happened to have the speakers
so i went alone (as usual) to go and put them back
then i went to the toilet
but what most of you all dont know
i wasn't spending the entire time in the toilet
i went to the mirrors
i just felt the need to dance off the disappointment
and try to cheer up
so i went there and got myself a few more injuries
but i just couldn't help being more and more disappointed
its the atmosphere i tell you
close to 8pm at night in front of the mirrors
alone
it just makes you think of so so so many things
i thought and thought about my failure to make it into the exco
i still couldn't figure out why i couldn't make it
but everything just struck me so hard
even handstands didn't help
i needed someone to talk to
i needed to pour everything out
but no one was there so ._.
worst part is i knew i was missing everything that's going on
and i know they didn't even miss me
they were having too much fun
if i go there with a face full of disappointment
not very good for a farewell party right
i just windmill-ed and handstood
trying to get all my frustration away
and when i went back, they celebrated our birthdays yay (:
had some brownies and some drinks
i didn't even get any of the pizza i paid for
but i deserved it
i've been leaving myself out of everything
subconsciously on purpose as my friend said
and it actually made quite a lot of sense
why do i do this
i'm not even sure myself
by making a little sacrifice on my part
you all can be happier without seeing me and things get awkward?
its really all a vicious cycle as i feel left out again
and everything else
but... i dont know
i just want you all to be happy that's all
and if that's going to happen without me
so be it
What to do now
if everything doesn't work out now
when will i ever push the stone wall down?
with all the graffiti on it saying "you suck" "you can't make it"
and with every failed try at punching it down
there's only going to be another bloodstain on that stone wall
i just might dye the whole thing red
what am i doing wrong
i'm giving my hardest punches and kicks at this stupid wall
it just doesnt crumble in front of my feet like i want it to
i'm giving my best every single time i try at anything
it just doesn't work out
what am i supposed to do to make it work out?
i just feel so lousy now
like a tired bloodstained ball
bouncing against the stone wall
when will i bounce hard enough?
10:29 PM
Monday, May 2, 2011
what happened to my happy ):
i want my happy back so much ):
i want to feel happy
but there's so many things putting me down
how do people cope with all of them and feel happy?
or do they just not have as many things putting them down?
am i alone?
i dont want to be alone
i just want to be happy again
11:43 PM
i'm so tired
very tired
physically tired
and emotionally tired
i'm tired of trying so hard
so so so so hard
and yet i keep falling short
had dance early in the morning
okay lah not that early 9am
but still i almost couldn't wake up in the mrt today
i was so tired
cos i was staying up for a friend as usual
so i went to dance with 6 hours of sleep
and funny how dance takes my mind off things
its like my only true way of escape
to escape from this world for awhile
and its also funny how it slams you back to reality
when i tried breaking today
i saw that i got a little better at my indian step thing
but then there's so much more to go
to actually reach their kind of standard
i'm improving with my crickets and that's good
my windmills just brought me more bruises
did my usual workout session of handstands pushups crunches etc.
and ended up super tired
i was crashing on the floor again and again
i keep getting up, thinking the next time i try, i'll nail it
but i fall to the ground again
knowing i just failed to keep that small delusional promise to myself
when can i ever improve?
when can i actually see myself better?
how?
the black circles on my hips and forearms
keep reminding me of my failure everytime they scream ouch
and while i keep silent
i keep thinking the next time i'll get it
is this my mistake?
will i ever get it at all?
am i just not of enough capability to reach that kind of standard?
and why am i trying so hard for?
there's so many questions that i need answered
and then later went for lunch
i was actually quite proud of myself
i managed to participate in the convo quite actively
all sitting at macs
and then we started talking about exco
i seriously dont think i can make it
and i dont think i deserve it either
as much as people try to convince me that i can
i know i cannot
i am commited yes
but commitment is not the only thing that will tide you through exco-ship
you need leadership and experience
to lead an entire independent CCA
something which i dont have a lot of
no charisma, can't make decisions, can't take initiative, not creative, not inspirational
which part of me tells you i'm a leader
although its quite an ego-boost to hear all of you say that i can make it to the exco
but no
even though i want it very much
you guys must understand that there are so many people out of the 10
that are way better than me
more capable, more leader-ish, more possible
i'm just not there yet
we'll see on wednesday
and its not that i dont want it (as SOME of you might think)
i want it, i want to help street push on further
but i just dont think i'm up to the job
and what you all might be thinking
its probably not the case
went shopping later for caps to give our seniors
i was tempted to go home and study
but no, i got distracted
sometimes i dont even know why i try so hard for
i'm so tired and yet i dont see results
everything ends up the same
as much and as hard i try
things don't change i want them to
just now while i was at bugis
yknow got this traffic junction right
everyone so busy, squeezing and squeezing
then i got stuck like in the middle of the two roads
cos the traffic lights turned red
so the people had to stop walking right
-it just struck me like that-
no matter how hard we try
we all have to take a break once in awhile
when you're trying so hard
you still have to look for that traffic light that stops you
and gives you a break
but still i never come across these traffic lights
i'm on an expressway,speeding ahead
but the destination only grows further and further away
and it changes and blurs so often
i lose my direction
it just felt like i wasted my time there
no one appreciated me being there at all
i felt entirely left out
and i really hate this feeling
no matter how hard i try to talk
i just seem forever boring
maybe i'm just tired but that's not an excuse
people prefer talking to other people over me
i can see it
while being silent, i was just observing
and then feel more left out
but what to do?
i'm just like that
i'm just that boring
i'm taken for granted
just being there too much
i really should stop trying so hard
i'm being taken for granted and i dont like it
it only makes me feel... wasted
i dont know... it just felt like a total waste of time
maybe our friend priorities are different
i put you all higher up there compared to where you all put me
and i put too much effort into what's not worth having
is that it?
cos i'm getting too tired and frustrated at being disappointed time and time again
and all i can accept is just sorry
what's the point?
every time i give my best
it just ends up in the drain
DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW IT FEELS
when your best just isn't enough
ALL THE TIME
it just feels ARGH i dont know
just so so depressing and frustrating
everytime i give my best, expecting the best
hoping that things will turn out for the better
it just doesn't
hoping that i get the best
i don't
and if its not that i'm not trying hard enough
then what is it?
why do i have to be treated this way
i'm getting so tired
i feel like giving up
maybe i should
maybe its time to take a break
maybe its time to let go for awhile
maybe its not, i don't know
it's just so sad
i'm so tired
very tired
physically tired
and emotionally tired
i'm tired of trying so hard
so so so so hard
and yet i keep falling short
should i stop trying
6:00 PM
Sunday, May 1, 2011
the sad thing is
after trying so hard
things just don't end up the way you want it
its frustrating
and very very depressing
11:07 PM
i'm ever trying so hard
studies, dance or just life itself
what people must understand is that i'm not actually rich or anything like that
i'm not as well off as you people
when you guys don't do well in studies
you all look for tuition
i can't and i don't
after primary school, tuition fees got more expensive lah
and i could actually see it getting expensive
and i'm not referring to the numbers
i could see my parents quarrel more often
see them getting more stressed out and stuff like that
i slowly figured that tuition wasn't the way to go
and it never has been my way since then
i've to learn to cope with everything taught in school
if i understand, well good lah
if i don't understand, i have to find some way to
if i can't do homework, just think and think or ask a friend
it was hard in secondary school lah but still cope-able
it just got a whole lot harder in JC
there's such a large gap between the syllabus
and the difficulty of the tests
i'm falling behind in all the subjects
and while my friends can look to tuition for help
i can't
i have to figure everything out and maybe ask a few friends
and i'm still struggling so hard to keep up
and my commitment to my CCA is unbelievably high
i study or at least i try to
but i end up getting distracted
or i end up just barely able to understand what's going on
its hard but i keep trying
and i still think i need to try harder
be more focused, get less distracted
acutally i thought about all these when i was washing my stuff today
uniform, pe, socks and shoes yes
i wash these stuff on the weekends lah
and iron my uniform and "go-out clothes" probably afterwards
started around sec 3 lah when my mum started nagging me to do it
but like this year she never nag
i also go and do
i mean it is my clothes after all
what's wrong with washing them?
i see it being my responsibility rather than it being someone else's lah
just ask yourself
have you ever washed your own clothes before?
or has it just been your parents, grandparents or maids
everytime you wear something out
do you actually think about who washed or ironed those very clothes?
most probably not
why would you anyway right?
we're all starting to take so many things for granted
that we don't actually see the effort behind everything
yesterday while i was dancing in school
i saw these workers building some garden is it?
something lah
in the morning, the roads were just getting started to get paved
then at the end of around 4 hours?
i was damn impressed to see that they actually covered almost 1/2 of the pavement
it was really enlightening lah
like when that garden actually gets finished
people DONT (and yes i know)
go around thinking "WOW WHO BUILT THIS"
we just don't
we either comment on how good it is
or comment on how sucky it looks
do you want to be in the workers' shoes for once?
under the sun AND rain
building everything for us just because they have to make a living?
its just so hard for them
why can't people start appreciating their effort?
why does no one appreciate their effort at all?
see what i mean
its the littlest of things that actually mean the most
and you might think
"psh washing clothes only, i got maid what"
have you actually thought how hard it would be
or how frustrating it becomes
i get frustrated when i dont understand a math question
i get frustrated when i cant scrub that stain of my shirt or shoe
i get frustrated when i cant get my dance moves down
but i dont really show it do i?
and neither do your maids
we just can't complain
and maybe we should, once in a while
to let people appreciate what we are all doing
or we take everything for granted
and sometimes i just think i'm just taken for granted
because i'm always there
you guys start to forget how hard i'm trying to be there
or how hard i'm trying when i'm there
how tired i would be or how much i sacrifice to be there for all of you
every cup of koi to me
is not "just another cup of bubble tea"
it's a luxury that i normally can't afford
you guys don't see me sacrificing my recesses and lunches
but everytime i eat dinner out with you all
or stay a little while more
i am giving up a lot
it just goes to show how much i treasure those relationships
to give up the time which i desperately need for sleep
to give up the time which i desperately need for studies
to give up the sleep to stay up
to make up the time for the above
to give up some lunches to save money
to keep up convos which keep dying out because i'm ever so boring
to keep up my mood and happiness
i am trying so hard
i just want a little appreciation
you all might say "i just dont show it"
but how then would i know that you guys really do appreciate my presence?
maybe because i'm not showing my effort
maybe because i just happen to be there all the time for you
that you guys start to take me for granted more and more
perhaps i should be more absent
be less "there" for you all
but i don't want to
and it doesn't feel the way to go
because i really want you all to like me
and i treasure all these relationships i have
it just gets depressing sometimes
its just like dance
where people are so much better
and i try so hard to match up
and i try and try till my injuries stop me
but i just never reach that level
i know it takes time
but jealousy just happens to blind all these reasoning
yes i'm jealous
are you all going to judge me now?
haven't you all ever felt jealous when people do things better than you?
that just how i feel right now
why are some people so much better at everything?
its a positive drive for me to try and keep up
i have to improve faster than they do to actually catch up
but then again i have to sacrifice so much
i just want to reach that level as quickly as possible
i want to do it as well as they do it
you know who you are
i just envy how well you can dance everytime you do your things
and i try to learn and catch up
but everytime i reach a checkpoint
you guys are already far beyond that
its quite frustrating at times
but i never do stop trying
i never ever did stop trying for anything
i take everything ever so seriously
and i want to keep everything up
funny how i try so hard just to exist
or to find a reason for my existence
or to find a way for people to appreciate my existence
and its funny how i thought about all these
while bending over a pail of water
washing my uniform
there're so many things we don't think about
and it makes me so much more mature after i think about it
enlightened and more understanding of everything
i start to appreciate things more
but that's ultimately still just me
while i try so hard
its up to you all to appreciate or to notice my efforts
i'm not going to stop trying though
never
i thought about this quote:
"Being unique is being perfect in our own way"
after all people appreciate perfection
and until i find that perfection
i just might never stop
6:39 PM
