Monday, May 9, 2011
a bad habit of mine i discovered
i say sorry too many times
too many freaking times
when its my fault i say sorry
when its not my fault i say sorry
when i see you sad i say sorry
i say sorry for EVERYTHING
so that people won't feel bad around me
i take all the "bad"-ness upon myself for you all to be happy
and guess what
you all don't appreciate it at all
the more i say it
the more you take it for granted
and then you all start turning against me
stabbing me again and again
thinking its really my fault when i say sorry all the time
you all just hear sorry from me so many bloody times
that you all think that you're always in the right
while i'm the one doing wrong shit all the time
maybe sometimes i am
but i just keep getting the nagging feeling that i'm just getting blamed
or framed
for one thing or another when its not my fault at all
maybe i should stop
why must i say it so many times
when you all don't even appreciate my effort to make you all feel better
just screw all the sorries that i've said
maybe its time YOU GUYS
start taking up the blame you deserve
it got a little heavy in my heart
just saying
today's training went fine
but i was super tired
after i pushed my body all the way after training
i want to learn nike freeze sia
so today i practised one hand handstand
until i collapsed lo literally
and windmill until my forearm couldnt take the bruises
i was so so so tired
but i made it a point to try and high
cheer up, talk more, be like a retard
i wanted to stop feeling so tired and emo
and have fun just chilling and i wanted to try to get rid of
the exco-me divide thing in my head
it was actually going well for quite a while
until we ate lunch
i was so bloody disappointed
i tried so hard to converse with SOME PEOPLE
and then they can go
"THIS IS SO BORING" "what am i doing here, THIS IS SO BORING"
do you know how I feel when this kind of shit gets thrown against me
when i'm actually trying to be more extroverted
it takes up a whole shitload of energy, just so you know
because i'm a freaking introvert
and i'm still trying
and people don't even appreciate my effort to be social
move away from us somemore
fine
maybe its all my fault again
i'm not that funny person you want me to be
i'm not as funny as some OTHER people you rather talk to
i'm not cool enough
i'm just that piece of boring uninteresting shit you can't wait to avoid
but did you really have to be so outright about it
it just was quite hurtful
when i'm actually bothering to try and talk
then i get this type of response
what am i doing wrong then?
WHAT?
i'm just going to leave that as that
when we went back to school
i studied there while the exco people went for their meeting
leaving me the only one there lah
so i was mugging chem
and i intended to stay all the way until their meeting finished
and then go for dinner with them
see what i mean by trying
i was struggling so hard not to feel left out when they ALL left
leaving me there alone
and i didn't lah which is good (Y)
see what i mean by trying
i was planning to overcome my disappointment and my feel-left-out-ness
and so i mug mug mug
decided to go take a walk at around what 6 plus?
so walk walk walk
walk past the canteen
saw the two excos and then felt a bit of cringe inside
so i quickly walked away and found myself at the studio
it was open so i danced awhile inside before i got chased out by the guard heee (:
went back to mugging
it was already like 7.30
so i studied and i was just expecting
the exco people to come and like tell me to go
i was like "okay... mug awhile more they'll come soon"
maybe i was expecting too much out of you all
but how is taking a walk from the canteen to that place
even too much to ask?
you all are the exco after all
i really can't believe you all just LEFT without me for dinner
after you all left
then i got the text
a bit what right
if you all wanted it to be an exco dinner
well you had it
you all happy now
what happened to not creating a divide?
you all run off for dinner
and expect a non-exco member like me to crash a dinner for 10 exco people
whatever man
i dont even have anything much to say
i'm just bloody disappointed
just freaking disappointed
sometimes there comes point where you cannot find any other word
to describe how you're feeling
except that very one word
and that's when you know what the word truly means
and i've found out disappointment
things after another has just smacked that feeling
straight into my head
and its so hard to get it out
i'm just disappointed
there's nothing much i can do about it
if you all are going to forget that i existed in street then fine
there's nothing i can do about it
you all exco then damn big already lah
only each other important
forget the common people
is there a purpose in life
or anything at all
to find a reason for our existence
is that our purpose?
then if so why do i exist in street?
what am i doing in street?
so its just dancing?
nothing more?
is that why you guys forgot i existed in the first place?
i'm getting so tired of trying
and tired of being forgotten time and again
i'm just being taken for granted to be there all the time
funny how this is the only place
i can write out everything and rant
there's no one i can actually talk to like that
the people that mean more to me
are the ones that actually do hurt me the most
who can i turn to for a listening ear? ):
forget it
i'm just going to pretend to be happy
if everyone wants a smile
then i'll give you all that
then all your judging can be based on that
and maybe you all will like me better
i'll just high everytime i'm sad or happy
just high and pretend
and see how things go
i just want to be appreciated
10:30 PM
