Wednesday, May 4, 2011
i'm actually much more disappointed
than i expected myself to be
the sudden reality of everything suddenly just struck me so hard
D:
yes i didn't make it into street exco
i'm not complaining that i deserve to be in it more than anyone else
i think that our current exco will do fine no problem (:
but why did i fail again?
ever since i've entered JC
its just failure after failure
whether its failure in social life
failure in academics, failure in interviews
i've been having them all
and the worst thing
every time i'm just giving my very best
what am i doing wrong?
its like going up against a stone wall
people tell you to give your best shot
and just maybe you'll be able to break it
but i try and try again
to get bleeding knuckles and broken feet
and the stone wall unscratched
everything suddenly seemed so much heavier
after the exco announcements
i wasn't exactly disappointed right away
it was till after... around the farewell?
then i realised everything is going to change
or maybe they already have
i've been dedicating so much time to street
i swear today 2 people RANDOMLY commented on the amount of white hair i had
and they're not even because of studying
i've been dancing so much.
ever since i came from sec 4
i wanted to actually achieve something in JC
achieve more than what i could ever possibly could
life in sec 4 was just so slack
and my grades suffered so poorly
i wanted to be one of those high achievers
that actually had a future paved out for them
and not continue what i was doing
i wanted to do something, like actually do something
i decided to go for both BLYC and street
do some form of service and enjoy dancing as a cca
i failed BLYC and failed the re-interview for it as well
at that point of time i really really wanted to do service
thought it was rather cool to give back to the community
it was a hard time for me accepting that failure
but oh well i'm over that
i barely made it into street, from ye oon
"the choreographer actually didn't like you a lot
we begged her to let you go in"
i BARELY made it
i'm one of the worst dancers when i got in
but i made it an aim to be (one of) the best after this year
and i aimed to be in the exco
i wanted to lead something for once
and partly because i like dancing so much
i wanted to give back to street for giving me a place to continue my passion
and i tried my best
i tried talking to everyone more
i tried dancing more, improving my skills
i tried improving my social skills, be more funny, open
i tried being more of a leader
i tried stepping up, taking the initiative more often
i tried committing more time to street
i tried staying back for all the dinners to socialise
i tried everything
i tried my best
i wanted that position in street exco quite badly i guess
i gave it my all for that period of time
i tried changing myself to be more capable
and yet, quite obviously
i failed
there are people in street i thought i could be close friends with
i really thought so
there are the people i thought i could trust more
but maybe i'm wrong
i might be trusting people too easily
and whenever misunderstandings happen, things get awkward
i thought close friends could tide through misunderstandings
but maybe we're not that close after all
i'm just thinking too much as usual
and then now, excoship ties the 5 of you down
you all have so much commitment to make
are we going to even have time to hang out anymore?
i'm just quite sad that i might be losing these few friends
and then some of you talked about exco divide
i think the problem lies not more in us rejecting you guys
its maybe the fact that you feel more exclusive
you all meet more often by yourselves
and start forgetting that we're there
we will drift apart from you all
and the divide is created
you're all tight within yourselves
but do you still remember us?
that's just the feeling that i'm getting from the outgoing exco
i rarely see them hang out with the rest of their batch anymore
its really just them
i dont want us to feel left out that's all
i want all of us to be as tight
and i really don't want to see my closer friends drift away from me
these kind of experiences have never been good ones
just painful ones
talking about painful brings me back to dance again
all the bruises on my body never go away
i keep trying again and again
i want to improve my standard
to pull myself out of the last few
and throw myself far in front
and maybe earn some respect from the other dancers
every session, yes, EVERY SINGLE SESSION
i try breakdancing after the session ended
there're these bruises on my right hip, right forearm, and left elbow
that never go away
they never get to recover fully
because i try so hard to get the moves down
i keep getting injured again and again
i actually pity my body having to undergo all these torture
maybe it'll have a better time in the next life
but for now
when the bruises finally recover
it'll be only after i perfect the moves
but when
when can i actually overtake everyone to take the front
so that i can actually be of some importance in street?
today after street farewell
where we gave our goodbyes to our seniors it was their last prac )':
i actually woke up at 3am to do clive's board
and i only slept at 12
3 hours of sleep totally feels shitty just saying
yah so we ordered pizza and bought drinks
presented the boards and caps
i was already feeling the awkwardness already after the exco thing
i didnt want to show my disappointment
but yet the atmosphere was so damn high
i just couldn't feel in place
we went to pick up the girls' bags
and i happened to have the speakers
so i went alone (as usual) to go and put them back
then i went to the toilet
but what most of you all dont know
i wasn't spending the entire time in the toilet
i went to the mirrors
i just felt the need to dance off the disappointment
and try to cheer up
so i went there and got myself a few more injuries
but i just couldn't help being more and more disappointed
its the atmosphere i tell you
close to 8pm at night in front of the mirrors
alone
it just makes you think of so so so many things
i thought and thought about my failure to make it into the exco
i still couldn't figure out why i couldn't make it
but everything just struck me so hard
even handstands didn't help
i needed someone to talk to
i needed to pour everything out
but no one was there so ._.
worst part is i knew i was missing everything that's going on
and i know they didn't even miss me
they were having too much fun
if i go there with a face full of disappointment
not very good for a farewell party right
i just windmill-ed and handstood
trying to get all my frustration away
and when i went back, they celebrated our birthdays yay (:
had some brownies and some drinks
i didn't even get any of the pizza i paid for
but i deserved it
i've been leaving myself out of everything
subconsciously on purpose as my friend said
and it actually made quite a lot of sense
why do i do this
i'm not even sure myself
by making a little sacrifice on my part
you all can be happier without seeing me and things get awkward?
its really all a vicious cycle as i feel left out again
and everything else
but... i dont know
i just want you all to be happy that's all
and if that's going to happen without me
so be it
What to do now
if everything doesn't work out now
when will i ever push the stone wall down?
with all the graffiti on it saying "you suck" "you can't make it"
and with every failed try at punching it down
there's only going to be another bloodstain on that stone wall
i just might dye the whole thing red
what am i doing wrong
i'm giving my hardest punches and kicks at this stupid wall
it just doesnt crumble in front of my feet like i want it to
i'm giving my best every single time i try at anything
it just doesn't work out
what am i supposed to do to make it work out?
i just feel so lousy now
like a tired bloodstained ball
bouncing against the stone wall
when will i bounce hard enough?
10:29 PM
