Sunday, May 1, 2011
i'm ever trying so hard
studies, dance or just life itself
what people must understand is that i'm not actually rich or anything like that
i'm not as well off as you people
when you guys don't do well in studies
you all look for tuition
i can't and i don't
after primary school, tuition fees got more expensive lah
and i could actually see it getting expensive
and i'm not referring to the numbers
i could see my parents quarrel more often
see them getting more stressed out and stuff like that
i slowly figured that tuition wasn't the way to go
and it never has been my way since then
i've to learn to cope with everything taught in school
if i understand, well good lah
if i don't understand, i have to find some way to
if i can't do homework, just think and think or ask a friend
it was hard in secondary school lah but still cope-able
it just got a whole lot harder in JC
there's such a large gap between the syllabus
and the difficulty of the tests
i'm falling behind in all the subjects
and while my friends can look to tuition for help
i can't
i have to figure everything out and maybe ask a few friends
and i'm still struggling so hard to keep up
and my commitment to my CCA is unbelievably high
i study or at least i try to
but i end up getting distracted
or i end up just barely able to understand what's going on
its hard but i keep trying
and i still think i need to try harder
be more focused, get less distracted
acutally i thought about all these when i was washing my stuff today
uniform, pe, socks and shoes yes
i wash these stuff on the weekends lah
and iron my uniform and "go-out clothes" probably afterwards
started around sec 3 lah when my mum started nagging me to do it
but like this year she never nag
i also go and do
i mean it is my clothes after all
what's wrong with washing them?
i see it being my responsibility rather than it being someone else's lah
just ask yourself
have you ever washed your own clothes before?
or has it just been your parents, grandparents or maids
everytime you wear something out
do you actually think about who washed or ironed those very clothes?
most probably not
why would you anyway right?
we're all starting to take so many things for granted
that we don't actually see the effort behind everything
yesterday while i was dancing in school
i saw these workers building some garden is it?
something lah
in the morning, the roads were just getting started to get paved
then at the end of around 4 hours?
i was damn impressed to see that they actually covered almost 1/2 of the pavement
it was really enlightening lah
like when that garden actually gets finished
people DONT (and yes i know)
go around thinking "WOW WHO BUILT THIS"
we just don't
we either comment on how good it is
or comment on how sucky it looks
do you want to be in the workers' shoes for once?
under the sun AND rain
building everything for us just because they have to make a living?
its just so hard for them
why can't people start appreciating their effort?
why does no one appreciate their effort at all?
see what i mean
its the littlest of things that actually mean the most
and you might think
"psh washing clothes only, i got maid what"
have you actually thought how hard it would be
or how frustrating it becomes
i get frustrated when i dont understand a math question
i get frustrated when i cant scrub that stain of my shirt or shoe
i get frustrated when i cant get my dance moves down
but i dont really show it do i?
and neither do your maids
we just can't complain
and maybe we should, once in a while
to let people appreciate what we are all doing
or we take everything for granted
and sometimes i just think i'm just taken for granted
because i'm always there
you guys start to forget how hard i'm trying to be there
or how hard i'm trying when i'm there
how tired i would be or how much i sacrifice to be there for all of you
every cup of koi to me
is not "just another cup of bubble tea"
it's a luxury that i normally can't afford
you guys don't see me sacrificing my recesses and lunches
but everytime i eat dinner out with you all
or stay a little while more
i am giving up a lot
it just goes to show how much i treasure those relationships
to give up the time which i desperately need for sleep
to give up the time which i desperately need for studies
to give up the sleep to stay up
to make up the time for the above
to give up some lunches to save money
to keep up convos which keep dying out because i'm ever so boring
to keep up my mood and happiness
i am trying so hard
i just want a little appreciation
you all might say "i just dont show it"
but how then would i know that you guys really do appreciate my presence?
maybe because i'm not showing my effort
maybe because i just happen to be there all the time for you
that you guys start to take me for granted more and more
perhaps i should be more absent
be less "there" for you all
but i don't want to
and it doesn't feel the way to go
because i really want you all to like me
and i treasure all these relationships i have
it just gets depressing sometimes
its just like dance
where people are so much better
and i try so hard to match up
and i try and try till my injuries stop me
but i just never reach that level
i know it takes time
but jealousy just happens to blind all these reasoning
yes i'm jealous
are you all going to judge me now?
haven't you all ever felt jealous when people do things better than you?
that just how i feel right now
why are some people so much better at everything?
its a positive drive for me to try and keep up
i have to improve faster than they do to actually catch up
but then again i have to sacrifice so much
i just want to reach that level as quickly as possible
i want to do it as well as they do it
you know who you are
i just envy how well you can dance everytime you do your things
and i try to learn and catch up
but everytime i reach a checkpoint
you guys are already far beyond that
its quite frustrating at times
but i never do stop trying
i never ever did stop trying for anything
i take everything ever so seriously
and i want to keep everything up
funny how i try so hard just to exist
or to find a reason for my existence
or to find a way for people to appreciate my existence
and its funny how i thought about all these
while bending over a pail of water
washing my uniform
there're so many things we don't think about
and it makes me so much more mature after i think about it
enlightened and more understanding of everything
i start to appreciate things more
but that's ultimately still just me
while i try so hard
its up to you all to appreciate or to notice my efforts
i'm not going to stop trying though
never
i thought about this quote:
"Being unique is being perfect in our own way"
after all people appreciate perfection
and until i find that perfection
i just might never stop
6:39 PM
