Monday, May 2, 2011
i'm so tired
very tired
physically tired
and emotionally tired
i'm tired of trying so hard
so so so so hard
and yet i keep falling short
had dance early in the morning
okay lah not that early 9am
but still i almost couldn't wake up in the mrt today
i was so tired
cos i was staying up for a friend as usual
so i went to dance with 6 hours of sleep
and funny how dance takes my mind off things
its like my only true way of escape
to escape from this world for awhile
and its also funny how it slams you back to reality
when i tried breaking today
i saw that i got a little better at my indian step thing
but then there's so much more to go
to actually reach their kind of standard
i'm improving with my crickets and that's good
my windmills just brought me more bruises
did my usual workout session of handstands pushups crunches etc.
and ended up super tired
i was crashing on the floor again and again
i keep getting up, thinking the next time i try, i'll nail it
but i fall to the ground again
knowing i just failed to keep that small delusional promise to myself
when can i ever improve?
when can i actually see myself better?
how?
the black circles on my hips and forearms
keep reminding me of my failure everytime they scream ouch
and while i keep silent
i keep thinking the next time i'll get it
is this my mistake?
will i ever get it at all?
am i just not of enough capability to reach that kind of standard?
and why am i trying so hard for?
there's so many questions that i need answered
and then later went for lunch
i was actually quite proud of myself
i managed to participate in the convo quite actively
all sitting at macs
and then we started talking about exco
i seriously dont think i can make it
and i dont think i deserve it either
as much as people try to convince me that i can
i know i cannot
i am commited yes
but commitment is not the only thing that will tide you through exco-ship
you need leadership and experience
to lead an entire independent CCA
something which i dont have a lot of
no charisma, can't make decisions, can't take initiative, not creative, not inspirational
which part of me tells you i'm a leader
although its quite an ego-boost to hear all of you say that i can make it to the exco
but no
even though i want it very much
you guys must understand that there are so many people out of the 10
that are way better than me
more capable, more leader-ish, more possible
i'm just not there yet
we'll see on wednesday
and its not that i dont want it (as SOME of you might think)
i want it, i want to help street push on further
but i just dont think i'm up to the job
and what you all might be thinking
its probably not the case
went shopping later for caps to give our seniors
i was tempted to go home and study
but no, i got distracted
sometimes i dont even know why i try so hard for
i'm so tired and yet i dont see results
everything ends up the same
as much and as hard i try
things don't change i want them to
just now while i was at bugis
yknow got this traffic junction right
everyone so busy, squeezing and squeezing
then i got stuck like in the middle of the two roads
cos the traffic lights turned red
so the people had to stop walking right
-it just struck me like that-
no matter how hard we try
we all have to take a break once in awhile
when you're trying so hard
you still have to look for that traffic light that stops you
and gives you a break
but still i never come across these traffic lights
i'm on an expressway,speeding ahead
but the destination only grows further and further away
and it changes and blurs so often
i lose my direction
it just felt like i wasted my time there
no one appreciated me being there at all
i felt entirely left out
and i really hate this feeling
no matter how hard i try to talk
i just seem forever boring
maybe i'm just tired but that's not an excuse
people prefer talking to other people over me
i can see it
while being silent, i was just observing
and then feel more left out
but what to do?
i'm just like that
i'm just that boring
i'm taken for granted
just being there too much
i really should stop trying so hard
i'm being taken for granted and i dont like it
it only makes me feel... wasted
i dont know... it just felt like a total waste of time
maybe our friend priorities are different
i put you all higher up there compared to where you all put me
and i put too much effort into what's not worth having
is that it?
cos i'm getting too tired and frustrated at being disappointed time and time again
and all i can accept is just sorry
what's the point?
every time i give my best
it just ends up in the drain
DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW IT FEELS
when your best just isn't enough
ALL THE TIME
it just feels ARGH i dont know
just so so depressing and frustrating
everytime i give my best, expecting the best
hoping that things will turn out for the better
it just doesn't
hoping that i get the best
i don't
and if its not that i'm not trying hard enough
then what is it?
why do i have to be treated this way
i'm getting so tired
i feel like giving up
maybe i should
maybe its time to take a break
maybe its time to let go for awhile
maybe its not, i don't know
it's just so sad
i'm so tired
very tired
physically tired
and emotionally tired
i'm tired of trying so hard
so so so so hard
and yet i keep falling short
should i stop trying
6:00 PM
