Thursday, June 30, 2011
CTs are over. And yet i'm still feeling down. Probably still wearing the stress off. But still i'm feeling left out. And i was thinking, maybe not just this time round. Everytime I go dancing, somehow i'll just end up the only one dancing while the rest go and talk and socialise. I'll end up the outcast and its just damn awkward for me to just go and join back halfway. I probably won't be any better there anyway. Nothing i say is funny, no jokes no humor no nothing. I heard people saying that, its not just me thinking and making all this shit up. And the reaction to everything i say is super obvious too. Whenever i high up and lose control of myself, i just talk a lot and it becomes awhile before i realise that everyone's just waiting for me to shut up. Because nothing i say is interesting, and nothing i say can match up to what others say. I should just shut down. Shut down my emotions and feel nothing. I should just shut off. Shut off the world from me. I should just shut up. Shut up and keep quiet, nothing i say is going to matter anyway. I should just shut down , shut off and shut up.
I might be overthinking, but whatever. I just want to feel happy.
8:50 PM
Expectations are deadly little things.
When you expect something to happen, you hope for it to happen, you want it to happen. Everyone has expectations, one way or another. We expect people to reply our texts, we expect people to accompany us to dinner, we expect our grades to be good, we expect our friends to be there for us, we expect results when we try, we expect so much. And yet, we can't achieve everything we expect ourselves to.
When things fall out of these many expectations, then what happens? You expected someone to follow you to dinner, and turns out that he can't make it. You expected to succeed, but you fail. We get disappointed, because we usually put in effort to try to reach for these expectations, and all the effort goes to waste. Things just fall short of your expectations and there's nothing you can do about it anymore.
Expectations are deadly little things. Oh, and they're pretty damn much unavoidable.
8:42 PM
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Too much stress. I just feel like giving up on everything. Let go. And just receive the consequences. I tried so hard, studied so hard for these tests. And everything just screws up on me. Chem, econs probably GP as well. Now, my street teacher's going to think i'm some slacker, when i actually started studying from the start of the holidays. But there's just nothing to prove it. With all these expectations piling up, and failing to meet them so badly just thrashes me. So depressed, wasted, stressed out, used. I need to chill. Well, i did try to chill but feeling left out really didn't help. Now, i'm more indifferent than ever.
Let's hope its just now and today. Tomorrow, CTs are over, i get to relax, dance, get high and shit. Let go of all the stress in my head and just explode into fun. Or maybe i'll just stone in relief. See how left out i feel then. Last day come on, physics, LAST DAY. All the best people.
11:48 PM
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Sometimes i feel so uninteresting. I just run out of things to say. I sit and stone. I stare at the funny people around me, forever going on with their endless jokes and stories, attracting all the attention. How does everyone do it? Why am i the only one that has nothing to say?
7:28 PM
Friday, June 24, 2011
No one really cares what happens to me, i'll just hang on a little bit more and see how things go and change. Probably not for the better but i'm getting numb to it all already. I can take more of this. Its quite interesting to see how i'm becoming stronger with all these shit going on around me, how i'm getting less and less affected. Its not even a good thing. I want to feel affected, to feel the disappointment. Maybe I've been through it too much to handle.
12:01 AM
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Why do i feel as if i'm always taken for granted? I'm always there for everyone, but when i'm there, people don't care i'm there or they don't bother to acknowledge my presence. Call me attention-seeking, whatever. I just want to stop feeling so extra and transparent. I want to feel as if i'm there. I keep feeling as if i'm second rate. Is my presence becoming annoying? Should i become missing more? Or have i already become missing in all your minds?
11:18 PM
Monday, June 20, 2011
just second rate
left aside until needed
11:34 PM
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Always put into a spot of inadequacy and insecurity.
We all want to be perfect people. Regardless of why and who we want to be perfect, we, in each of our own funny weird ways, are striving towards this perfection. And then again, we all have our own definitions of perfection. Some people want to be more funny, while others might just want to be more popular. Everyone has different criteria in their heads. And more often than not, this set of criteria are affected by the people around you.
When you see someone better than you, in more ways than one, and you find him or her getting attention and what-not, you start forming an image of perfection in your heads, someone you ultimately want to be. There are undeniably a lot a lot of people around you that are better than you in so many ways, and they merely add on to the endless list of criteria of being perfect.
When situations happen in such a way that makes you seem inadequate, for example, no one laughed when you tried to crack a joke, you compare yourself to the image of perfection in your head, and wonder what you did wrong. People tell you that you didn't do anything wrong, but when actually you and only you know what "doing something wrong" in this case means. We are drifting away from the line that differentiates our present self with our ideal self, further and further away. Sometimes we tend closer to this ideal self in our heads, but more often than not, people around you make you feel overshadowed.
As you compare yourself to the perfect self, you realise that each and every action you make, every single thing that you do, is not perfect. When we see others being so perfect effortlessly, we can't help but feel pressure to keep up, and usually we try so hard but fail to reach that standard. When people around you start comparing you, consciously or subconsciously, prefer to talk to someone else over you, laughing at others but not you, thinks he sings and dances better compared to you, it only adds to your downward spiral. Is down the only way to go?
Always put into a spot of inadequacy and insecurity. Isn't it ironic how perfection is the cause and solution to these problems? Forever inadequate, incompetent and always not good enough. For you and for everyone else.
8:34 AM
Saturday, June 18, 2011
I was listening to How To Save A Life, and i could relate so well to the song.
Replaced. In more ways than one.
I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
2:23 PM
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Contentment is just an excuse.
There's no one that can be truly and fully content with what he has. We all like the idea of having more. Who wouldn't like the notion of being able to sing super well, the idea of earning a million bucks overnight or the thought that you can look super handsome in the blink of an eye? We all want stuff we do not currently possess, including humor and talents and what-not. When we realize there's someone always better with more of these than you have, you get disappointed.
That's when you tell yourself you're content. Its just an excuse for you to comfort yourself that you're actually somebody, that you're actually someone recognizable. Just a delusion for you to think that you're good at something.
Why do we have to live in this delusion? We should just step out of it and face it head to head and take it as it comes. Deal with it, stop hiding behind excuses, especially these self-comforting ones, they won't get you anywhere.
Contentment is just an excuse. A really, really bad one.
11:11 PM
Monday, June 13, 2011
We just need to learn to be content with what we have.
As we walk down the path of life, we don't really look at the things we already hold in our hands. Instead, we look at the things that other people seem to have more than you. She can sing. He can dance. She's damn rich. He's damn funny. She's got good clothes. He's got good looks. Have you never EVER thought about these before in your life? Because that's just not possible.
In this world there is, definitely and surely, someone better than you in any/every aspect. Be it talents or materialistic things, there is always someone out there with traits you envy them for. We become jealous. We think "Why does he have all that blahblahblah and why can't i have it? Why don't i have it?" Sometimes, you find the answer. Most of the time, you just don't. These people can be born with outright advantages that you usually cannot overcome, some are born lucky and the rest, just lucky to be born. As we keep thinking that it's so unfair, as we keep looking at the things he or she has, little do we know that they might just be staring right back, enviously, at what you have. We're so busy looking at what other's have and what you don't, we do not have the time to take a break and look at the treasures we possess.
All of us have people we envy. All of us wish for things we don't already have. Clothes, money, talents and what not. In this world, instead of taking the easy way out, and look right down at your hands, we search far and wide, for the things we don't have.
As we search for these things, we try to be things that we are not. We try to change but in the end, it just ends up as pretense. We pretend to be who we are not. We lose ourselves in the process of this pretense and our personality gets pretty darn warped into rojak. And its not even yummy. Its just messy to the point no one can see what to eat anymore.
Just take a break from the searching, just look yourself in the mirror. While you see an ugly face with bad fashion sense, do you know that you can actually sing and dance super well? While you hear yourself sing like a toad or dance like a chicken, do you realize that you look damn pretty handsome with super hot clothes? THESE are what other people are searching so hard for, why can't we just appreciate them? Why not we take a step back and start searching WITHIN yourself for what other people might be looking for?
We can start feeling prouder of what we have, start wiping the dust off the gems we've locked away and show them to the world. We start showing off our personality and tell the whole world who we are. Our presence starts to feel recognized. We feel more appreciated. We feel more within our comfort zone. We are who we want to be.
Its definitely not as easy as it sounds. If it was, jealousy and greed wouldn't exist. Maybe i'm painting too utopian a picture for everyone to look at. But nobody's stopping us from trying. For our own happiness, why not?
We just need to learn to be content with what we have. Only then, can we truly feel happy and be who we want to be, ourselves. (:
9:17 PM
Saturday, June 11, 2011
nothing's much going on now
i'm just feeling ok everyday now
numbing myself to everything that's going to hurt me
so
i'm pretty much getting used to it
and feeling happier (by a bit?)
its already halfway through the june hols omg
i really dont want to let go of the hols leh
its like the CTs right smack in your face when the hols are over ):
but all we can do
is make the most out of it i guess
there's nothing we can do to stop time
but remember
nothing can stop you from doing what you want either
go make the most out of it (:
11:54 AM
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
confidence does a whole lot of good to you
makes you feel better about yourself
lets you do things without caring much about what other people think
you believe that you're doing the right things
and you know you appear good doing it
a little confidence is all i need :)
sigh sorry a little braindead now
all the mugging and dancing that's going on heh
what am i doing here :/
i should go sleep right
1:02 AM
Monday, June 6, 2011
when i try
i get disappointed
i'm just going to stand by the sidelines
and just go with the flow
take things as they come
P.S i need a dose of confidence
12:01 AM
Sunday, June 5, 2011
i'm just feeling so damn lonely
these 4 days i've just been feeling so lonely
mugging everyday in school all by myself
seriously it gets so boring and alone i can cry
i feel so bloody restless all the time
i want to talk to people
but no i've only got myself and my homework
in a way, it does force me to do my work
and yes i have done my work, studied hard and productively
but in the end i'm still a piece of lonely shit
i still appreciate that little distraction once in awhile
i guess i just really want people around me
and i expect them to be
maybe that's the problem
i keep expecting my friends to be there for me when i need them
and then i end up asking and waiting for them to join me
but in the end i just face rejection and solitude
it makes everything much worse
i really can't handle it
on a saturday, of JUNE HOLIDAYS
i'm stuck in school studying alone
how sad is that really
my mood's just being dying today
keep thinking about everything solitude makes you think about
while everyone else's having fun
you're just staring at your chem notes
and wondering why you're sitting there alone by yourself
the worst part is
will this all pay off?
will i actually score well for my CTs
better than my friends because i'm putting so much effort
i really don't think so
i'm just studying to get this sense of security for my results
but its just not coming yet
and i'm getting another sense of insecurity
when my friends aren't around me
i really feel like i'm wasting my holidays away
at first i thought studying's a good way to use the holidays
but when i had that idea in mind
i was imagining studying in groups, studying with people
right now
it's just me
and my shadow for company
forever alone
12:47 AM
Saturday, June 4, 2011
sometimes i just can't help feeling boring
and uninteresting and dull
the feeling when you realize
no one comments on what you just said
no one laughs at your attempts at humor
you keep creating this awkward silence for everyone
when circumstances keep presenting this the way it is
do i have reasons to object to this hypothesis?
people around me are so much more interesting
they have a humor that matches everyone's wavelengths
while mine matches no one's
they tend to lighten the mood whenever they're around
while i only bring it down
they attract attention, pulling people in
while people try to avoid me because i'm so awkward
they engage in lively conversations
while mine just die out
they put smiles on people's faces
while i make people force theirs'
and i'm not even exaggerating
when people around you keep acting this way
there's really no other way to go around it
when people keep running away from you to join the funnier people
you'll just feel left out
and start thinking why they do it
and then compare yourself to the funny people
its a vicious cycle, whatever you call it
and i just end up trapped in it all the time
funny people bring things across in interesting ways
funny people make people laugh
funny people are nicer to hang around with
funny people don't get judged
funny people appear more optimistic
and that's just what i'm not
no matter how many times people try to comfort me
saying that i'm really a funny person
i just can't see myself being funny
compared to all the jokers around me
):
i should really just shut up
people start judging me if i put everything up here
its time i started on my diary
i just cant bring myself to decorate it cos my art sucks heh
oh well
):
11:30 AM
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
have you ever felt as if the entire world is against you?
after you've done something foolish
after you've done something you shouldn't have
after you've done things slightly offensive
and people around you suddenly seem as if they're teaming up against you
pushing you into a pitiful corner where you can't do anything
but listen to their scoldings and insults
and then
as they guilt trip you and make you feel bad
as they scold you and tell you off
you start to wonder what happened
what did you do in the first place to deserve all these treatment
haven't others been doing the same too?
why are you the only one getting kicked around?
and the people scolding you, who are they to tell you what you did wrong?
haven't they done the same things?
are they in any better a position to tell you what is wrong and what is right?
maybe not after all
then why does everyone think they're always right?
and why am i always the one in the wrong?
what exactly is right or wrong then?
what am i doing wrong?
are we always doing something wrong?
is there a right and wrong to everything we do
to everything we say
isn't this rightness or wrongness
just a human construct to classify things under
what they like
and
what they do not like?
everyone has a different perception of right and wrong
you might think talking back to your parents is right
when you think you're fighting for your own rights
and then again its wrong because its just straight out unfilial
point being, this rightness and wrongness is all mashed up
things you like to do become right
and when people treat you in a way you dislike, its wrong
and we're always using your definitions
i always end up being the one in the wrong
they conveniently shirk off the blame off their shoulders
and pile them onto mine
as i sag lower, trying to lighten the load by feeling sorry,
i just feel more and more wronged
framed for things i don't think i did wrong
but then again who am i to say what's wrong and right?
i'll just sit in my corner
waiting for y'all to put the blame on me
9:19 PM
