Sunday, July 31, 2011
I don't want to be always second. Second choice, always just not the best. It wouldn't be much of a difference if i was nothing anyway. Why do I keep feeling like I'm second? I'm done being second. I'm always stepping out, letting others go before me. Maybe its time I recognize my own worth, i'm much more than this. Time for all of you to start seeing who i am.
12:24 AM
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I got to stop thinking I'm the only one going through shit and start thinking about the people around me. I die a little inside to see people just trying to take on everything by themselves, because i know the feeling really sucks, personal experience.
10:22 PM
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Things are pretty much okay now, settling down, finally able to take a break now. Or maybe i'm just procrastinating my ass away, but still. (: I expect a lot more ahead of me, studies getting tougher, PW getting more taxing and of course dance will get more tiring.
What is it about life that makes us all keep on going? Is it the hope for a better tomorrow? Is it the appreciation of the happy things? Either way, live life to the fullest. There's no saying you will wake up to a tomorrow. Live for now, not the past not the future, but now. (:
8:46 PM
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Nothing's going on right now. Everything's just going on like that, and I'm so so tired. Tired from and of everything.
All the work and dancing is bearing down on me so hard, at times in class, i just feel like grabbing a bolster and going to sleep. I need to manage my time better i guess, work before play, my promos are pretty much in sight.
Tired of everything. I'm going to make things change, I don't care. If things stay this way, I'm never going to get any better than this.
Time is seriously flying by too fast. I swear, i can still remember how last monday went, like it was just yesterday. 7 months into 2011, my friends, only 5 left. I know how impossible it is to live everyday like it was your last, but i think i've learnt to treasure the people around me a lot more and things that are going around. There's really no point letting yourself down so much anymore, there's too little time to be happy, better make the most out of it.
Sleep early, it really does help. Yes you. (:
10:18 PM
Sunday, July 17, 2011
I need someone to listen to me. So that I can pour out everything. Kept inside for too long.
3:07 PM
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Why do different people treat me so differently? I'm starting to appreciate my classmates more. They actually like being around me, they laugh when i try to be funny, and although they're not really by my side 24/7 or to lepak after school, during school, they're quite fun to be around. Around other people, i feel overshadowed, i feel suppressed. Biased judgments against me, comparison, i just feel so second-rate sometimes. I should stop feeling this way. I'll put forth who i want to be and who i am. Then it's totally up to you guys to take it or leave it. I'll try my best, so please try your best to accept me for who i am. Please? (:
12:17 AM
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Damn it. I worked so hard for nothing. To all the people saying that i would get good results, I didn't. I screwed up so badly I don't even know where to hide my face. Seriously, I study for one entire month and my results are still so screwed up. I fail at everything. There's really nothing I can do well, is there. And I don't even have other commitments. I'm really super depressed. Promos are two months away and we no longer have the one month break before our exams to study, only a miserable week before it all starts coming in your face. If I can't even do well for this one, what makes anyone think that I can do well for the next one? I have no tuition, and yet I still have to work my way out. I can't pay for my future education like some of you rich people, my progress does actually matter for my future. Life's hard isn't it? What to do? Social life, good grades, sleep, you're supposed to choose 2 out of these 3 right? I can't even achieve one. Look up and forward, there's nowhere else to go.
10:36 PM
Monday, July 11, 2011
I just need to keep in mind what really matters. Maybe then i know what's worth fighting for and what's not. Maybe then i can keep myself happy and stop getting hurt. But what are the things that really matter?
10:34 PM
Sunday, July 10, 2011
That's it. I'm actually human guys. I get hurt and I like to be happy. I had enough of people treating me this way. I deserve better.
2:48 PM
Saturday, July 9, 2011
A little comparison is all it takes. All it takes to explain everything's that's been going on. Look at others and then look at yourself. There are things that you can't match up to, there are some things that're lacking. Maybe those are what people are looking for. Maybe I'll never be anyone special. What maybe psh. I'll just be average and walk in the shadows, unnoticed.
11:43 PM
Have I lost who I truly was? Who am I? I feel so... lost, without a guide to what to do. Who am I?
1:03 AM
Friday, July 8, 2011
I don't even remember being like this.
10:52 PM
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Why? Why am I like this? Oversensitive to everthing, overthinking over every single detail, so easily affected by what others think and forever erratic. I don't even feel normal. People go on about guys being bochup, cool, interesting and funny and I can't even feel like that, because i'm forever not as good. Stuck a misfit, when can i ever break free?
I really think i should tone down on my thinking. Its getting me nowhere, it really doesn't pay to be sensitive to everyone at every single instant. Not only does no one appreciate it, they start taking you for granted. I end up being the one getting hurt so bad. I'm done patching up the wounds, maybe not, but isn't it time for me to learn how to avoid these injuries? How. How do people stay moderately sensitive? WHY IS BEING NICE A BAD THING? I am so confused. I hate it when people get pissed off with me when i'm being nice. It gets me thinking so much, and i NEVER find the answer. Am i just being annoying? Isn't it more annoying if people don't give a shit about what you think and feel?
Forget it. If no one is going to like me being too nice, then i must as well save the effort. Your losses anyway. ):
11:26 PM
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Yes that's the way to go. Take my idea and make it your own. Totally man you guys didn't even give me credit. Then you all go and make a big fuss out of going ahead with it as if it was your idea. Discuss with everyone, except me. I feel so appreciated guys, just saying. A thank you would be sufficient, and i'm still waiting.
Maybe i'm being too petty and angsty. Blame it all on me man. I can take it, what can't i take psh. Totally, its everyone's idea, it doesn't matter who came up with it. I'm being too petty.
11:48 PM
Monday, July 4, 2011
Will anyone even accept me after that?
12:22 AM
Sunday, July 3, 2011
If i have to do things alone, so be it. I'll go it alone, no one knows how i feel like anyway, and they don't have to care. I hate it when people try to pretend to help, and in the end just leave me alone to rot, because i'm too troublesome to handle. They give up on me, give up on who i am, give up on what i could become. If that's the way it is, i'll show you all. I'll freaking work my way out of all these shit, and prove it to you all. You can pretty much expect me to put up a show now. Time to start practising in front of the mirror. Smile fu kang smile. (:
11:57 PM
I need to accept things and move on. If things didn't happen, they didn't happen for a reason, and even if you think others are enjoying benefits they shouldn't be, things happened to them and they didn't happen to you. Face it and deal with it. Get around it. Go beyond it. Leave it behind.
11:50 PM
I'm so confused. Everytime I try to become happy, I just feel that no one's appreciating my happiness. Why is it that everytime i try, i just have to meet so much resistance? Feel left out, disappointed and never up to mark. I'm just screwing myself over and over and finding more chances to shoot myself. I really want to quit. Quit everything. I really feel like screaming now, let all the tension in my head go. Or maybe i need some sleep.
11:41 PM
Should I just leave myself out of everything? Keep myself in a high mood, and preserve it that way, so when people interact with me, then i can seem happy. There's no point keep trying in including yourself when they're trying so hard to exclude you. Must as well just stand by the sidelines and do your best to keep your mood light and positive. When people finally come and talk to you, at least you won't be that dead. There's really no other way to go around this. When people get attention from people, they don't really care who they hurt or who they left out. Am i the only one that wonders how people around me are doing?
10:57 AM
Friday, July 1, 2011
Am i the only one misjudging myself all these while? Do i really know who i am? Its just funny how i can give people such inspiring advice, and forget it all when it comes back to me. I should really review how i think of and treat myself. Doubt myself less, and trust more in who i am.
11:03 PM
They call you sentimental, thoughtful, sensitive, different and unique. In fact, you're just a weird misfit, an outcast. No one's going to like you.
12:08 AM
