Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I really don't want to worry about anything now. Just lay back and close my eyes, thinking about the people i care about. No worries, carefree like that.
12:11 AM
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I'm so tired recently and i don't even know why. All i know is it's all worth it, i'm enjoying myself so much these days. There're a few things here and there that get me thinking but still, i don't really want to let them get into my way. Promos are coming in a month's time and I think at the rate i'm going, i might just do okay. Studying and having fun at the same time really feels good. It's just about what my teacher said, learning requires a positive attitude. There's really no point in forcing yourself to learn when you don't want to. We all just need to find that attitude and we're pretty much set. I don't want to grow up haha. Thinking about how quickly time has passed me just freaks me out sometimes. But oh well, we live on the present, for the present and in the present. Treasure the present. (:
12:14 AM
Monday, August 22, 2011
I guess i'm pretty much okay now. I think. I GOT INTO OGL COMM WOOHOO SND SOMEMORE. But i really feel guilty when i see people around me not getting in. I know they want it equally badly, and i sometimes really don't see why i got in but not them, why i got chosen over them. And honestly? I'm pretty scared.
Scared of all the commitment that's going to come. I guess i'm mentally prepared for it, but am i emotionally prepared for it? Putting time into OGL is going to mean i'm not going to spend as much time with street anymore during the holidays, and i'm really going to miss everyone. But still, i'll have to commit to my studies now and make the promos cut. I'll try my very best i swear, CTs were just such a disappointment for me. I want to actually do well for my Promos, studies cannot be my stumbling stone.
Scared of all the stereotypes i have to break. These are stereotypes i have about myself. About how i'm not as good as the rest of the people and why not. And seriously, SND comm has some damn awesome people, the best anyone could ask for. I'm well... i don't think i'm as "best" as them, frankly. These are people with unlimited talents, sing damn well, dance damn well and what not. These are people with interesting personalities, boundless creativity. Their presence is going to be felt much more than mine. Its a partially new start for me, since i don't know half the people inside there, but still, i've felt overshadowed enough by the other half i know. These are people who have always been better, always casting a shadow i tried to break free of. Walking out of these shadows is hard, but i don't want to feel inferior to anyone when i'm doing this. I want to be who i am, but that's generally the problem. It's not that i'm trying to be someone else, its just that these people usually end up being appreciated much more than how i could ever be. Just this Saturday, i felt it again, as much as i told myself not to. How am i going to do this? I don't want to end up as one of the outcast members of the comm. I really want to do this well, better. I just don't know how.
STILL, as tough as things' are going to get, I'm determined to make this shit work. (: i can't really feel the excitement yet, but maybe when i'm sitting in chem remedial tomorrow i'll feel it or something. Thinking about it, it's interesting to see how far dance has taken me, through all the ups and downs. I'll talk about this another time hehe if i remember. (: Now, for some sleep hehehe.
12:12 AM
Saturday, August 20, 2011
I say things that hurt people unintentionally. I don't know why, i'm feeling this entire rush of guilt. I'm so disappointed at myself. Everything i do is just... not up to standard.
11:27 PM
Sunday, August 14, 2011
So torn up. Not a chance to explain yourself, no silver chances left.
10:42 AM
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Everybody seems to be having fun when you're not. You know why? Because people don't need you in their fun.
11:53 PM
I'm so tired from thinking, totally drained. I want an answer, i need the answer. I need rest too. Tired. Sleepy.
11:10 PM
Why do i do everything wrong? No one feels good around me, no one has fun around me, no one enjoys being around me, no one wants to be around me.
Is it because i'm too transparent? My feelings show too easily, is that why? When i'm angry, you guys see it. When i'm annoyed, you all see it. When i'm sad, you guys see it. When i'm quiet, you know why i'm quiet. When i'm left out, you guys know it too. Is that why? You guys can't handle my mood changes, you all don't understand why i have to feel certain ways is that it? I'm just the same as all of you. I just show my feelings more easily, that doesn't mean that i'm more annoyed or more sad. I thought people used to appreciate naivety, appreciate my transparency with my feelings. You live in a world of lies now, people don't like to see how you feel. Keep them to yourself, you fool. Show them the smile and walk away like nothing happened. No one needs to know how you freaking feel.
Is it because i'm too bad at my expression? I say things that sound like what things i never ever will intend to say. I tell people things without thinking about what happens next. I hurt people without knowing i did. My feelings get so mixed up, that what i say come out wrong. Is that what I do? I thought people knew me. I mean the nicest things when i say them. I never ever intend to diss or slam people when i say things but i guess things just come out wrong. I thought i was sensitive enough, maybe overly sensitive or maybe not at all. Just shut up, no one needs to know what you're talking about, no one needs to know what you're thinking. Keep all the shit you have to yourself, seriously.
Is it because i'm too retarded and spontaneous? I like to be around people so much, y'all start feeling that i'm unnecessary? You all start thinking that i don't have other friends? I really just like to be around people, i thought people would like me around too. Apparently not. No one has fun around you, you're just another waste of space. Just run off home and study.
I do everything wrong. All i do is make mistakes over and over again. People have to worry about what happens to me and can't have fun. Just go hide in a hole. No one needs to see your ugly face. Or to hear what shit you've to say. Just shut up, no one's going to care. So stop dragging the world down with you. You die, you die alone.
9:25 PM
I dont want to feel like this. But there's no going around it. Some people are just so much better. I need to crawl out of their shadows and start casting some of my own.
10:48 AM
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
What a way to prove me right. I was going to type out the details of today's happenings but I don't even see the point, and partly cos i'm lazy and can't be bothered. So much for spontaneity. Yesterday, my class asked me out for supper at 11pm, that is spontaneity. A simple outing, seriously. Only 2 people (yes including me) made it. Out of what, 23 people? Probably our last outing before the Promos, and the night before half the people didn't even have the sense to reply me whether they could make it or not. The other half, some said they could make it, and i thought i could do with them for the day. Halfway through the day, I was getting the impression that no one's going to turn up. But no, i just had to wait some more, wait for hopefully 3 more people that could make my day. Just setting myself up for chaos seriously. Had to go, had to go, had to go, what am i supposed to do? Get angry at y'all? I can't freaking get angry at anybody, just very exasperated. I dropped hints, hints that i had no dinner at home, no one to be with for the rest of the night. Maybe no one picked it up, maybe they did but ignored it, that's how much my presence is worth. Everyone feels guilty when they can't make it for other people's dinners and what not, its just not the same for me i guess. A test of spontaneity seriously shows how much importance you have in people's lives. Don't compare me to anybody, no one studied in school from morning till the evening. You all had fun for the day, lunch with people, meetings, dinner at home with the family. I had none of that.
Screw my expectations. The difference between expectations and wishes, is that you actually do believe your expectations do come true for whatever reason. No one gives a shit about your expectations. They have theirs too. It only matters when you're part of those expectations, but apparently, you're not.
8:26 PM
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Just looking through a few photos got me thinking about how involved i really am in this "family". Am i really included, do they really need me at all? I wonder sometimes how much the other people feel attached to me/us, why they do or why they don't, and whether there's any reason for me to feel the same.
11:20 AM
Monday, August 8, 2011
Its so easy to feel left out. Just when i thought things were going good, and then i get slammed back down sooo hard.
11:38 PM
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Pointless.
When you've been driving towards somewhere you know you can't end up. When you've been looking at something that's too far away. When you want something that will never be yours. When your presence is nothing but to reduce others' guilt. When you try so hard just to fall as hard. When you look in the mirror and it keeps breaking. When you try to be something you'll never become. When being yourself is not good enough for anyone. When any improvement doesn't seem good enough. When time is nothing but your enemy. When your welfare is sacrificed for nothing. When you get tired over something not even worth thinking about. When you think of people that always seem to look the other direction. When you try to remember something during an exam when you never studied. When you try to stay awake when you didn't even sleep 2 hours last night. When nothing seems to go your way. When everyday is just another tiring day you can't wait to end. When everything you do ends up a mistake. When you being there means nothing at all. When what you say doesn't get heard. When no one understands what you say. When you hold on to something that you can't even see or feel. When you try mending something beyond repair. When you overthink and nothing comes out of it. When you cry over broken strings. When... nothing.
Its all pointless. I'm pointless.
12:11 AM
