Monday, August 22, 2011
I guess i'm pretty much okay now. I think. I GOT INTO OGL COMM WOOHOO SND SOMEMORE. But i really feel guilty when i see people around me not getting in. I know they want it equally badly, and i sometimes really don't see why i got in but not them, why i got chosen over them. And honestly? I'm pretty scared.
Scared of all the commitment that's going to come. I guess i'm mentally prepared for it, but am i emotionally prepared for it? Putting time into OGL is going to mean i'm not going to spend as much time with street anymore during the holidays, and i'm really going to miss everyone. But still, i'll have to commit to my studies now and make the promos cut. I'll try my very best i swear, CTs were just such a disappointment for me. I want to actually do well for my Promos, studies cannot be my stumbling stone.
Scared of all the stereotypes i have to break. These are stereotypes i have about myself. About how i'm not as good as the rest of the people and why not. And seriously, SND comm has some damn awesome people, the best anyone could ask for. I'm well... i don't think i'm as "best" as them, frankly. These are people with unlimited talents, sing damn well, dance damn well and what not. These are people with interesting personalities, boundless creativity. Their presence is going to be felt much more than mine. Its a partially new start for me, since i don't know half the people inside there, but still, i've felt overshadowed enough by the other half i know. These are people who have always been better, always casting a shadow i tried to break free of. Walking out of these shadows is hard, but i don't want to feel inferior to anyone when i'm doing this. I want to be who i am, but that's generally the problem. It's not that i'm trying to be someone else, its just that these people usually end up being appreciated much more than how i could ever be. Just this Saturday, i felt it again, as much as i told myself not to. How am i going to do this? I don't want to end up as one of the outcast members of the comm. I really want to do this well, better. I just don't know how.
STILL, as tough as things' are going to get, I'm determined to make this shit work. (: i can't really feel the excitement yet, but maybe when i'm sitting in chem remedial tomorrow i'll feel it or something. Thinking about it, it's interesting to see how far dance has taken me, through all the ups and downs. I'll talk about this another time hehe if i remember. (: Now, for some sleep hehehe.
12:12 AM
